Eppocalypse and Eppadicalypse

14 12 2008

A guide to when and how you (as a collective) will cease to exist

Ever since the beginning of human time, man (and woman, if you are a feminist) has proposed infinite theories on how the earth began and how life began (Primarily because they wanted to know how they landed here in the first place) . Every culture, every religion came out with their understanding of what could have happened (read: ridiculous theories with the sole aim to glorify their respective faiths and bash those of the others). Once they were out with this stuff, they were in a fix – They were incredibly bored , and they couldn’t come up with competing theories because they would get frikking killed for heresy. All this boredom had one outcome, and frankly it only needed an Einstein to come up with the next course of action.

Apocalypse by itself means “lifting of the veil“, ie something you would do to your to be spouse if you were a male christian or a female Tuareg. Yes ,… you would be apocalypsing. Not like the world would come to an end if you did it .. right? ( May be just yours would ! :-). This veil – wedding funda is the probable reason behind the usage of the word Apocalypse to mean “End of the World” or “Doomsday”. Heh.

The different problems that the earth is facing today makes one (read: ME) wonder how this world would come to an end. On the one hand there is Global Warming, where Ice caps would melt and our water problems would be solved , and on the other hand there is the energy shortage and its consequences. Oops, I think I just missed out a zillion other possibilities. Lets take a look at a few of them..

1. Terrorism : The act of employing guns and bombs and retarded brain cells to kill innocent civilians to gain nothing but outrage from the affected people for a few weeks and the next point ..

2. War on Terror : The act of employing High Quality guns and bombs that fall from the sky and superiorly retarded first world brain cells to kill a large number of people, of whom a few might be terrorists.

3. Economic Meltdown :
You : What , how is that going to end the world ?
Me : (Puts up retarded flowchart)

Click to see the bigger picture

4. Horsemen : ( Yes, read 4 Horsemen) – The New Testament predicts that 4 scary looking people on horses will go around the world ( in their frikking horses) and spread War, Famine, Pestilence and Death, not necessarily in that order, eventhough the order doesn’t really matter. This will be followed by tornadoes and earthquakes and frikkin scorpions which will sting the crap outta the whole non – christian population. Like we don’t have enough problems already.

5. The Aztec Prophecy : The world has already ended four to five times, by methods ranging from flood to armies of hungry jaguars. Our world will apparently get the terrifying Tzitzimime, depicted as either skeletons with rattlesnake penises, or a race of bony, female spider monsters from the stars.
Ok, lets breathe here for a minute. Not one person in the whole Aztec empire could predict that their civilisation would end thanks to some normal creatures? Like the Spanish for example? On similar lines, I’d say an Alien Invasion would do it for us.

6. Ragnarök : Wolves eat the sun, Norse Trickster God Loki escapes from ropes made of his son’ intestines and hijacks a ship made of dead mens’ toenails, and Jörmungandr, the World Serpent, rises from the oceans and spews poison across the lands and skies, the gods stab, poison, burn and eat each other until Earth sinks into the ocean.Phew.
Only two humans, Lif and Lifthrasir, are scheduled to survive Ragnarök by hiding in the Yggdrasil, the world tree. I’m definitely changing my name. ( In addition, Lif Krishnan sounds cool).

7. Robots could take over the world. The rate at which we’re progressing on that front, I don’t think it would happen before any of the others.

8. There is the new, upgraded LHC

9. According to the Mayan calender, the end of time should be December 21, 2012.( Either that or they did not know to count past that number, or thought there was no point in doing so.) My personal opinion is that time cannot stop. Secondly, they are way off the mark with the prediction if it is about themselves.

10. Bollywood could go global. More suicides as a result of movie watching ( read : genocide).

11. If Sarah Palin becomes POTUS.

12. If the Chinese take this population explosion thing a little more seriously and introduce the “We two (/three) ours none” policy.

13. If any of the games “Rise of Nations“, “Red Alert” and the likes are synced to the real world environment. ( And Missile Shield is not researched ! )

14. If viruses dangerous to the human body could be programmed into computers.

15. If Chuck Norris decides so.

16. If Scientific research proved that usage of Cell Phones could kill. Not to mention cheating on partners, being fake, working out math in the loo, bunking class, writing CAT, staring at people of the opposite sex, writing CAT, watching Sachin Tendulkar bat, writing CAT, thinking the government sucks, watching Miss World, watching the Miss World, being bored, killing insects, being a bad boy, smoking etc. ( Orr has the last one been proven already ?)

17. Increase in the number of such second rate blog posts.

< Watch this Space: >

Light from this side of the tunnel

15 06 2008

In another 40 hours or so one Video Cam will go where nothing has gone before,…My Nose, Of course barring the occasional fly and that pen cap when I was 4…. Euww? I know, even I sympathise with the cam. But you must understand that these cams are also inserted into some unspeakable (unsmellable rather) holes. I just wish that that particular instrument hasn’t been anywhere else on its journey called life for I might be woken up midway through the procedure from general anasthesia.The past few days I’ve been walkin around with my hands together.. as an attempt to keep all fingers crossed (Figured its not possible with my toes..i tried !).

Its supposedly a procedure called FESS. They will have a look at the insides of my head with a cam attached to one end of a rod shived up my nostril and then remove matter from the 8 cavities in the skull called sinuses. I’m just praying they do not remove the little matter that there is from the other “almost” cavity-there’s another blog post stored there.

I are actually Baffoon

10 06 2008

The long awaited prequel to the second sequel is here. But we might just decide to scrap the prequel to the third sequel which itself might be scrapped. On that note you might want to visit http://itsscrapped.blogspot.com ( Kutty pay my part of the rent for the first month 🙂

Now, the Kais… let us call them Calls from now on just to avoid copyright violation of greek alphabet for …well.. some ..many physical and mathematical quantities. I was majorly enthu about these calls and since S.P.A.C.E was not quite active in the place where i was.. well lets call it..say…IIT Madras. So I had to go in for another program to work on my GDPI skills. The company calls itself … say.. “Algorithm to calculate the route from one place to another”. As it turns out it wasn’t really a company, was just a single person ( As the Great Sultan put it “Singam Singleaa thaan varum”). This person..lets call him TR.. lived and took classes in a shady locale near IITM called G.H.E.L ( short for Go To Hell). And to actually give you an idea of what the place was like : The fungii on the tables in that classroom contradicted the Laws of Microbe Multiplication (If there’s something like that) because they had absolutely no place left to grow on.

But what the hell , we have mushroom soup for dinner. So my company and I took up these classes. We had one or two GDs every class and it always astonished me how people with whom Id been studying with (in IITM remember) had gathered so much information just for the sake of argument during GDs. Quoting one of them ” India has a GDP growth rate of 9.2 percent and an Inflation rate of 7.32% and a population growth rate of 1.606% and a fart rate of one in every pi/3.3* 10^-14 seconds” ( I had to google those to check up). The point is .. the topic had nothing to do with all this. Yet it made good talk and good presence.

All that apart, some GDs went well some went bad and by the end of it all I was excited about the Calls. Also, S.P.A.C.E had an all expenses paid 2 day workshop which I attended with a certain friend of mine… lets call him Deepak Venkatramani. I remember at one of those lectures, this prof from S.P.A.C.E says ” There was a guy last year, got all 6 X Calls, but could convert only one of them. He was really arrogant and God punished him [ :)] ” and my obvious reaction was thank god.. no offence Mr.Unknown… but it obviously felt like it must be really hard to screw it up.
This is the point where i realise that this blog entry is getting excruciatingly long. So, I attended the Interviews…6 of them. Each in Bangalore. Was a real headache to go from Trichy to that place …4 times !
And well, those faces that I saw across the interview tables came back to haunt me at many nightmares…some still do. There wer a few errors here and there, for example at X A , I had written my father’s annual income as 20000 instead of 2000000. But apart from that nothing went glaringly wrong either in the forms or at the interviews.

On the day the results came out, my dad was watching the TV, the daily astrologer show…and he supposedly said ” Vetri maela Vetri Varum”( Literally translated as : “Victory over Victory coming!”. And so it happened,
First Javagal Srinath came, Outswinger, Off stump out of the ground.

Then I thought Ill play second gadjee , Sourav Ganguly got my leg stump.

But I still stuck on…refused to give my bat away (It was the only bat and everyone started pulling for it). Then came the big blow. I was thinking Munaf Patel would bowl but Parthiv Patel took the ball and bam I missed the ball and it rolled slowly and got my middle stump. There were no bails left to fall of so I was given out .

I ran across to the other side because I noticed that the 3 wickets there were still standing.

Everyone wanted to bowl at me. But I said “One at a time please”
R.P.Singh snatched the ball off Praveen Kumars hand and bowled a yorker to get my leg stick followed by Sreesanth who got my middle.

There’s no current cricketer from MP that I know. So , lets just assume that I got hit wicket.

That meant all 6 down. Meanwhile, some Butt Naggers and Idly Rasams were scoring centuries at other grounds.

The point is (If you haven’t got it yet) I did not convert any of my Calls. The Worst part comes later , when everybody…people whom you’ve hardly even spoken to start giving advice. Things like “You’re voice is not loud enough” orr ” You probably would have put mokkai over there” orr ” You aren’t confident enough” orr ” You shouldve worn the right underwear”. It was irritating as hell.
One wonders: if it hadn’t happened, would it mean that my voice was loud, or that I don’t put mokkai? .. doubt it.

As the ancient Japanese Proverb goes
” Cho Cheeta Vohi Sikkandar
Cho Haara to us ke ***** ke andar” ( where ***** rhymes with land, or a mal pronounciation of aunt )

Good news is that its past me. Better news is that I can blog on something interesting now that the sequel is done. Phew !

I im Weasel

26 05 2008

I have a story to tell … but i’m gonna write it.

In every man’s life there comes a time when he feels on top of the world ( i don mean Hillary-Norgay types), when everyone else’s achievements are made to look insignificant, when a Led Zeppelin is made to look like a Green Day, when nothing can possibly go wrong in his life for the next few months.

A few months back, something very different happened to me.

There are these 6 institutes in our country called …well lets just call them X for now. The Xs are supposedly the best set of institutes in India when it comes to ..lets say Y education. ( No this is not a Saarang quiz question). Now, to select people for this program, they conduct a common admission test called…say … *pussy*.
*pussy* is supposed to be very difficult to clear and well many people have tried and failed.. you know…just like the rubik’s cube…or bennyboy in stick cricket…or beating me one on one at DotA. And as a result, there are around *Avogadro’s number goes here* institutes and individuals that offer training to crack the *pussy* and get into an X. ( there are other institutions that offer the vice versa but we’ll save that topic for later.)
Even i joined the bandwagon ( where bandwagon= S.P.A.C.E) thanks to some pichai scholarship test. Quoting S.P.A.C.E : ” 5150% of the X students are from S.P.A.C.E.“.

We had classes on campus every week…supposedly. I don’t even know which day of the week. But i took up their “Increase your probability of hitting the” *pussy* set of 20 tests quite sincerely.

After each test , my equally hard working friends and I would discuss the paper and then take an oath ( every time) to work our asses off for the *pussy*.. ( sounds weird when put like that )

Anyways, as you would expect, we did not and as you would not expect, I was actually lucky enough to get *pussy* .. err i mean crack it. ( These are times when you realise you must have used another variable , but you don’t really have the patience to read through your own boring blog and change every occurrence of it)

This meant that I would receive 6 Kais( Tamil for hands..say) from the Xs. But what it would also mean is that …quote me on this one … !*pussy* is not everything !…these Xs have interviews 😦 . . . ( Sad music please !!)

Thats where this part of my 2 part blog will end…

P.S. : I was also given nicknames like X Legend ( A rip off from a very current Will Smith movie at that time ) and … almost everyone i knew said ” All 6 X Kais n all …stud !” etc… At a friend’s brothers wedding .. the friend introduced us to his whole family…like this : ” This is blablah, this is his twin brother Blublah, this is Potato (edited owing to racism allegations 🙂 , this is Manish and he got all 6 X Kais”. … In case you are still wondering this story does have a sad ending…

As the great Lord Tennyson put it ” Ava Myna da , Ava Myna da
Ava Naina ta maatina kaima da !”