Anhoni ko Dhoni (ke Fans) Kar De

25 12 2008

Remember the age old Shakespearean question on the topic of which division you should choose in your second grade? I’ve found the answer – ‘To be Dhoni‘ is the answer. A group of die hard Dhoni fanatics (For over 20 years) , have come up with a plan ( and an elevation and other figures) to build a Place of worship for da man. One doubt :
Haven’t they taken this ‘Cricket is a religion in India‘ thing a little too literally?

Aside : Why Dhoni ? What sort of a name is that? Here are my suggested etymologies :

1. His ancestors are from Kerala and one of their names was Anthony. But with all that mallu accent around, to his dismay, and to the rest of the world’s frustration , everyone called him Undhoni, which people mistook as a conjunction followed by Dhoni , and the name has stuck.

2. Microsoft employees performed time travel into the year 1981 to release a product called MS Dhoni.

3. His real name was Mahendra. There was a famous Bihari song in the 90s that went “Dhoni Dhoni Dhoni”. He walked into karaoke pub one night and the junta urged him to sing the song. So they said “Mahendra Sing Dhoni“, and since everyone was saying that, some retarded people in the crowd started thinking that it was his name.

4. His Great grand Chitappa owned a laundry shop in Chennai. And well, the Tamil makkal did not know Hindi too well so they’d say ” Dho Nee“.

5. Dhoni or Doni is a multi-purpose sail boat with a motor or lateen sails that is used in the Maldives. It is handcrafted and its use within the multi-island nation has been very important. A dhoni resembles a dhow, a traditional Arab sailing vessel. Actually that sucks for an etymo. Please Scrap 5.

End of Aside , All reals.

All that aside (Heh 🙂 , what becomes of him if this were to happen. He would be the Youngest Hindu God. ( Hindu because very few other faiths have multiple gods, and the others which do wont tolerate him. Even Cricket is too busy praying to the Sachin God. Youngest because he is 27 and , well, he is closely followed by Lord Muruga in second spot at a billion and a half.)
According to the papers they will build a 5 ft tall Idol of him. Oh wait , or is it 20 ft. I think they will settle on 12.5. And what will the bhajans be like?? 20-20 Bhajans?? Well, here’s an example :

BCCI had no selection Stratechee
So they looked at the others and said Chee Chee

That is why they gave him the captainchee

And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy.

It is also in his general knowlechee
That the WWf panda’s Name is chi-Chi

He is India’s very own Annaachee

And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy.

Instead of Saying Hi , Kem Chee
Or Saying Bingo chips is Crunchee
Sorry this song is Pulichi Pochee
And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy

All said and done, Dhoni is a pretty decent captain, and a major patriot. One can see his commitment to the country ( And the Men in Blue campaign) in this picture where he is seen drinking blue water. Dhoni was not available for comment owing to a bitter copyright battle with Bill Gates.( Or because he hasn’t visited my house in the last hour, as you like it ( Damn the Shakespeare in me !)).

In other related news, the star of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi ( a critically acclaimed movie that released hardly a week back), Anushka Sharma, has said that she will only choose the best films. No… Seriously… Go check your newspaper.

Eppocalypse and Eppadicalypse

14 12 2008

A guide to when and how you (as a collective) will cease to exist

Ever since the beginning of human time, man (and woman, if you are a feminist) has proposed infinite theories on how the earth began and how life began (Primarily because they wanted to know how they landed here in the first place) . Every culture, every religion came out with their understanding of what could have happened (read: ridiculous theories with the sole aim to glorify their respective faiths and bash those of the others). Once they were out with this stuff, they were in a fix – They were incredibly bored , and they couldn’t come up with competing theories because they would get frikking killed for heresy. All this boredom had one outcome, and frankly it only needed an Einstein to come up with the next course of action.

Apocalypse by itself means “lifting of the veil“, ie something you would do to your to be spouse if you were a male christian or a female Tuareg. Yes ,… you would be apocalypsing. Not like the world would come to an end if you did it .. right? ( May be just yours would ! :-). This veil – wedding funda is the probable reason behind the usage of the word Apocalypse to mean “End of the World” or “Doomsday”. Heh.

The different problems that the earth is facing today makes one (read: ME) wonder how this world would come to an end. On the one hand there is Global Warming, where Ice caps would melt and our water problems would be solved , and on the other hand there is the energy shortage and its consequences. Oops, I think I just missed out a zillion other possibilities. Lets take a look at a few of them..

1. Terrorism : The act of employing guns and bombs and retarded brain cells to kill innocent civilians to gain nothing but outrage from the affected people for a few weeks and the next point ..

2. War on Terror : The act of employing High Quality guns and bombs that fall from the sky and superiorly retarded first world brain cells to kill a large number of people, of whom a few might be terrorists.

3. Economic Meltdown :
You : What , how is that going to end the world ?
Me : (Puts up retarded flowchart)

Click to see the bigger picture

4. Horsemen : ( Yes, read 4 Horsemen) – The New Testament predicts that 4 scary looking people on horses will go around the world ( in their frikking horses) and spread War, Famine, Pestilence and Death, not necessarily in that order, eventhough the order doesn’t really matter. This will be followed by tornadoes and earthquakes and frikkin scorpions which will sting the crap outta the whole non – christian population. Like we don’t have enough problems already.

5. The Aztec Prophecy : The world has already ended four to five times, by methods ranging from flood to armies of hungry jaguars. Our world will apparently get the terrifying Tzitzimime, depicted as either skeletons with rattlesnake penises, or a race of bony, female spider monsters from the stars.
Ok, lets breathe here for a minute. Not one person in the whole Aztec empire could predict that their civilisation would end thanks to some normal creatures? Like the Spanish for example? On similar lines, I’d say an Alien Invasion would do it for us.

6. Ragnarök : Wolves eat the sun, Norse Trickster God Loki escapes from ropes made of his son’ intestines and hijacks a ship made of dead mens’ toenails, and Jörmungandr, the World Serpent, rises from the oceans and spews poison across the lands and skies, the gods stab, poison, burn and eat each other until Earth sinks into the ocean.Phew.
Only two humans, Lif and Lifthrasir, are scheduled to survive Ragnarök by hiding in the Yggdrasil, the world tree. I’m definitely changing my name. ( In addition, Lif Krishnan sounds cool).

7. Robots could take over the world. The rate at which we’re progressing on that front, I don’t think it would happen before any of the others.

8. There is the new, upgraded LHC

9. According to the Mayan calender, the end of time should be December 21, 2012.( Either that or they did not know to count past that number, or thought there was no point in doing so.) My personal opinion is that time cannot stop. Secondly, they are way off the mark with the prediction if it is about themselves.

10. Bollywood could go global. More suicides as a result of movie watching ( read : genocide).

11. If Sarah Palin becomes POTUS.

12. If the Chinese take this population explosion thing a little more seriously and introduce the “We two (/three) ours none” policy.

13. If any of the games “Rise of Nations“, “Red Alert” and the likes are synced to the real world environment. ( And Missile Shield is not researched ! )

14. If viruses dangerous to the human body could be programmed into computers.

15. If Chuck Norris decides so.

16. If Scientific research proved that usage of Cell Phones could kill. Not to mention cheating on partners, being fake, working out math in the loo, bunking class, writing CAT, staring at people of the opposite sex, writing CAT, watching Sachin Tendulkar bat, writing CAT, thinking the government sucks, watching Miss World, watching the Miss World, being bored, killing insects, being a bad boy, smoking etc. ( Orr has the last one been proven already ?)

17. Increase in the number of such second rate blog posts.

< Watch this Space: >

Muqablech 3 – The Return of the Jodi

22 11 2008

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech and Muqblech – Part Deux , and I hate you.

N-2 . INDI re situations when couples want to have soda POP
The genre of LOUW , the genre of repetition, the genre of romance: The Duet.This genre has come a long long way from the ages when the lady of the screen would hide behind the door shyly and make masterpieces on the floor with her toes through an age when every country in the world including some undiscovered ones provided backdrops to these songs, not to mention their faithful law abiding citizens as background dancers / incrediblyembarrassingbootyshakedoers and now, to an age in which movies like Murder and Julie make the man of the movie hide owing to Shame shame all around…-that reminds me of a verse in a poem that went –
Shame Shame , everywhere,
And all the clothes did shrink,
Shame Shame, everywhere,
From Obamaland to Chink .
– The Rime of the ownage Legendariner
In other words these songs ,nowadays, are positioned just before or after they du it .Heh.

There are a few parameters that are used as guidelines for judging such songs when we grade them from 0-1.5 (I know that you presumptuous asses would say that you could divide 1.5 into 10 divisions and consider it as a rating out of 10. But you understand what I mean- i’m doing a Nigel – refer : This is Lumbar Puncture. )

1. Differential of No. of Dress changes with respect to time
Remember the good old days when the couple would remain in the same set of clothing through the entire 8 minute song ? No? .. Duh No. There was no such song, at least not after Eastman came into the picture, and before that one couldn’t really say for sure that the clothes had not changed considering it could have been any colour that produced the same shade of gray on well, the grayscale.
The dude who made the first colour production was amazed by what colour could do to a movie and said ” hey, I bought my wifey 5 new sets of clothes , now how do I fit that into a 5 minute song.”. And that my friends became a fad. As India’s economy improved, so did its standard of living and , as a consequence ,the number of new clothes Mr.Director bought for his (and other )wives and all this lead to another proprtional increase in the clothes changed per unit song (dCC/dT). In this crazy competition, the directors started taking this a little too personally and the textile industry began to bloom.

Amidst this rat race to achieve dress change targets one cunning tech savvy director invented a technique by which clothes can be changed at unprecedented speeds. He invented the ! SuperChromoAlternator ! Ever seen a song that uses the SCA ?? Ms. Lady’s clothes change colour while the clothes are still on her – Hurrah !! This invention gave rise to another jump in the graph (Figure 1.1.1 ) and the dCC/dT values increased disproportionately.
Eventually Director wives started receiving much fewer gifts and the textile stocks began to fall but that topic is beyond the scope of this blog owing to the intelligence levels that it demands. As bollywood years passed, one thing became clear – a greater dCC/dT value will remain elusive. In this long line of innovations, the most obvious thing to do next was to reduce the amount of clothing itself. As(s) a result, the dCC/dT values have drastically reduced lately( because they found it diffcult to change clothes when there are no clothes to start off with) and that innovation has produced yet another kink(y) in the graph. Heh.

Fig 1.1.1 : Dress Changes per Unit time against Bollywood Timeline ( Click to see the bigger picture 🙂
2. Weighted Aggregate of No. of Embarrasing Moves (‘Steps’ for those who can’t move). The weight being well, their weight.
Imagine taking your girlfriend/wife to an exotic country, then to an isolated hill in that exotic country. To narrow down the search criteria, add the constraint that the hill be covered with lush green grass. Once you are in this situation… utopian , exotic and probably everything you’ve wanted… you start performing pelvic thrusts and sommersaults – and your wife still loves you, why , even she does her own jig and then both of you engage in a series of synchronised ass shaking.(Note: the previous 2 lines may be construed in many ways – one of them is definitely not what I intended). All right so you are true lovers( read : maniacs) , so chuck it. No big deal. Now Imagine you performing all these acts without a partner.. just for your lady. Nobody else is watching you, and you put up this mini show just for her. To top it all off, she still likes you enough to not break up at the end of it. Who wouldn’t wanna be in Bollywood.

In case you have been through all of the above: Hi, Pleased to meet you – I’m a great actor myself , I do not mind doing even Brother roles and Son roles, I can even stoop to as low as The guy who loses his girl to you. My phone number is in my profile 🙂 . And if you are not a Bollywood Actor, you’re weird dude , get a life.

3. Log of the utterance count of The Words “Dil” ,”Pyar” (and hence “Inkaar” and “Ikraar”), “Ishq”, “Mohabbat” and “Deewana” to the base 2.
In 1933 by the Music of Lovers , Elephants and Saints (MOLEST) Act , it was added to the non-existant Indian Constitution that every duet must have these words in any order , but must contain all the above words. And by the 1977 Ammendment for Non-Sense Usage in Songs (ANUS), every duet must include these words and must also have a very obvious rhyme scheme in such a way that the net meaning of the song must be nothing more than “I love you”.
If someone were to ask me why Log to the base 2, I would say something about how the rhyme schemes would make the words appear in powers of 2 as the Indians use either the 2 or 4 lines per verse songwriting. (But what I’d actually be saying is that I just wanted to make this calculation thingy look more mathematical.)
There you go, 0.5 for each category. Now go kick some Song critic’s ass. I mean seriously.

Consequences of ‘anal’ysis

18 10 2008

I realised this sometime when I was in school :

Loo winds and Anal kaathu (Tamil for Hot Wind) mean the same thing , in more than one way. Brilliant !

Muqablech : Part Deux

12 10 2008

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech, and, I hate you.

N-1 . INDIwell, very much“, ” among the amit_123s and kids of ages 15-16 extremelyPOP

Yes, we are talking about India’s answer to 50 CentInde Cent. Item numbers in the rest of this post will refer to this genre, as opposed to what the counter boy enters into his device to obtain the price of an item.

This genre is not new. Meaning it is old. Meaning, ye ol parents and uncles and irritating aunts shant criticize my generation.(This is where Sachin puts his arm around me and says ” Our generation “, but I cut him short and say ” You wish!”).

Mr. HighlyCriticalAndAtTheSameTimeIncrediblyPissingOffUncle ( HCAATSTIPOU for short ):”Why do you say that it is not new?? Me thought Shilpa Shetty was the first one to be called an Item girl after that song from Shool? The kids these days, pah pah pah ! Abhishtu.“.

Mr. HighlyIntellectualChickMagnet ( Mudd for short) : ” I appreciate the general knowledge sir (restecp ! ). But just try and remember the days of your youth (yes, difficult,i agree), the movies that came out , remember ” Caravan ” or “Sholay” or “Namak Halal”? Helen, Parveen Babi??

HCAATSTIPOU : ” Yes, vaguely.” ( read: Duh dude, but I just don’t want to accept it because I know where you’re getting at and my argument would be compromised if I did)

Mudd: ” yes, you called them Cabaret performances and ‘fast forward songs‘ (a song which when appears from tape provokes an urge to press the >> button when family is around), but in essence there were skimpily clad women shaking booty (which is an approximate version of Wikipedia’s definiton of Item Number). AND YOU WATCHED IT – REPEATEDLY

Yes, it is old. But the term has now come to mean a larger range of songs : “The term ‘item number‘ has now been relaxed to include almost all upbeat dance numbers involving either a woman in skimpy clothing, or a “guest appearance” from a star who is only in the movie for the length of that song” (a wikiquote)
Even mainstream actresses and actors ( blech ! ) do Item Numbers. Or should I say the ladies who have done item numbers have gone on to become mainstream actresses. Eitherways, the genre has come and will stay on until Bollywood has some laws against bad music and limited clothing, which by recent trend, I do not see happening.
Just to make this post more appealing ( read: To appear on google’s search results for hot Raakhi Sawant Pics ( usually 0 results) or I like booty) , here are the leading ladies of this genre, I mean the videos. ( I do not know who sings for them, and frankly, few care)

Not too sure about the last guy, but I have definitely seen him in many such songs.

Note: The neck downs of these images are intended only for mature audiences. Knowing my readers inside out, I cropped them.

P.S : Not all item numbers are bad songs.

Superhit Muqablech

27 09 2008

To all the folks who haven’t met me , I have a confession to make : My control over the hindi language is limited to the phrases “Arrey bhaaiyee“,”Mera naam Joker“, “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai“,”Kyunki saans mein kabhi badbhu thi” and ” Please don’t be santusht“, of course ,apart from the Queen’s Hindi words that are oft heard in college : “M&^%&^C&^%& , B%&^%&C^&%&^ , G&, L& (Note: the previous 2 words are to be pronounced the way they are written) , B^S^&^&KE ” etc. And for those who do know me, the above fact would’ve become glaringly evident in the first few nanoseconds of our acquaintance.
So , In case your name appears here in bad light, do not panic… here goes:
Any character spoken about in this post might be fictional. (You can thank me later)

Countdown Begins. Here is a non exhaustive list of possible genres that Hindi music can be classified into.
(I lack organisational skills, I have not figured out how many categories will appear in this Countdown , so I will count down from N to 1 🙂

The name says it all. Or should I say it used to. This genre of music refers to the kinds that were played when MTV and Channel V first learnt to play Hindi music ,in the mid 90s. Owing to the limited Inventory and Low differential of No. of Songs with respect to time , the same song would be repeated a minimum of 3 times a day ( For all those who came to this site searching for “Himmesh pics” or “Bappi Da Great“, the last line implies a minimum of 4 telecasts a day .. thats 1 + 3 repeats. OK? ).
The list of artists usually included in this genre are :

Falguni Pathak ( One takes a long time to figure out if it is a male or a female. Great female voice , but who knows , may be he’s just faking it. So lets just call it it. )

Hans Raj Hans( Greatly influenced by the Punjabi translations of works by a certain Hans Christian Andersen . He has also made Solo performances in a few Star Wars movies 🙂 🙂 🙂

Adnan Sami (A piano Prodigy. And a shining example to disprove the old adage “Play Piano, lose Weight“. And Btw ,Riddle time : If Adnan Sami was a South Indian middle aged woman, what would his name be???
Ans. Adnan Maami :):)

Many one hit wonders such as Agosh, Aryans, Anaida, Anamika, Mika, etc. (No, not all of them kissed Raakhi Sawant….as far as we know it ie.)

But the killer of them all, the man who could probably be called the father of Indi-pop , ( with a song called “Thanda Thanda Paani” that was dangerously similar to “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice, which in turn is a direct flick from “Under Pressure” by Queen),the king of originals ,Baba Sehgal.

B.S (for short 🙂 is the quintessential Indian rapist wrapper rapper. He has won the hearts of many a Baba Sehgal fan.
But there has been a lot of speculation about his name. Why Baba Sehgal.? The speculation stems from the fact that he does not resemble most of the Baba’s known to man. For instance, as is evident from the pictures, he does not resemble Baba Amte or Homi Bhabha or Ali Baba or the Baba mudra or even Baba black sheep.

Note : After years of scientific studyon this chosen nomenclature, it was arrived at that his physiognomically closest relatives are Sathya Sai Baba and the Seagull.

To be continued


5 07 2008

If you’re looking for a movie review for Traffic, then “Wrong Number”… and I think you should check out : This !
Thanks a lot for visiting my page. Keep coming back, I might have more such intentionally misleading stuff.

But, if you’re slightly demented and would rather a few crappy blog posts then stick on and scroll down.

Ok…All reals ! .. .. traffic is a concept. Its something that people come across at sometime or the other in their lives. Every constituent of today’s junta would have suffered this harrowing ordeal.
Now how does one react in a tense slow moving traffic situation: One in which if even one more vehicle is added to the equation, the whole system collapses.

On the one hand there are those craven owners of lilliputan rickety vehicles that they have bought from their whole life’s savings.

On the other are those chauffeurs of august looking luxury sedans who have no clue of what might be their fate if their employer finds that scratch near the tail lights of thickness 2.3 nanometers. Theyd be thanking god that most of these owners are old and cannot tell an M80 from a Ducati using all that equipment (after crazy loads of depreciation) in their head.

On the third hand( oops…ok.. leg then),the Heavy Vehicle Man. By that I mean buses and trucks and lorries and even those hugeee things that have stuff like “MAERSK” written on them. These guys just don’t give a “rat’s ass”( read -four letter word beginnin with an F and not fool or fart or feud or fill or free or …) .

Among all of these heavy weights are the Bikers…( Do not immediately picture a Harley Davidson ridden by a 250lb man wearing a 300lb leather jacket. Come back to earth- Yeh India hai Bhaaiyee !!(said with profound thambi accent(And THAT is nested paranthesisation for you))). Wait..I need to figure out what I was writing before those brackets. Aaah…so these bikers… riding anything from black 220cc pulsars to pink scooties would meander through the traffic, again regardless of what they might hit on the way and whose rear view mirror they may take along.

This is quite a scene. Add to this the fact that 20% of these people are one their cellphones (Some people at least have the “Gidney” to use hands free).
And to top it all off, this high entropy scenario gets some further jolts from some jackass jaywalkers.(juss missed alliteration)

What is most surprising is that almost everytime every single one of these people come out unscathed and totally normal as if nothing even happened … As if its not even worth a blog topic. And they’re right, Ive been there millions of times and I am sane(my opinion)… and life goes on as ever.

K…lunch time…:)
But here’s a thought (for the day, if ud like..if it reminds you of good ol days in school)..
“If u are who u are and i am who i am because u are who u are and i am who i am then u are who u are and i am who i am but,
if u are who u are because i am who i am and i am who i am because u are who u are then u are not who u are and i am not who i am”
– Thanks to the evam play “Art”… Awesome play. You must really watch it if given the opportunity. (@Mr.Evam : you can pay me later)
And Yess , I am taking up Philosophy in a big way, and probably sainthood too.. it seems like an easier way to make money.
In a few weeks my blog will be shifted to