Eppocalypse and Eppadicalypse

14 12 2008

A guide to when and how you (as a collective) will cease to exist

Ever since the beginning of human time, man (and woman, if you are a feminist) has proposed infinite theories on how the earth began and how life began (Primarily because they wanted to know how they landed here in the first place) . Every culture, every religion came out with their understanding of what could have happened (read: ridiculous theories with the sole aim to glorify their respective faiths and bash those of the others). Once they were out with this stuff, they were in a fix – They were incredibly bored , and they couldn’t come up with competing theories because they would get frikking killed for heresy. All this boredom had one outcome, and frankly it only needed an Einstein to come up with the next course of action.

Apocalypse by itself means “lifting of the veil“, ie something you would do to your to be spouse if you were a male christian or a female Tuareg. Yes ,… you would be apocalypsing. Not like the world would come to an end if you did it .. right? ( May be just yours would ! :-). This veil – wedding funda is the probable reason behind the usage of the word Apocalypse to mean “End of the World” or “Doomsday”. Heh.

The different problems that the earth is facing today makes one (read: ME) wonder how this world would come to an end. On the one hand there is Global Warming, where Ice caps would melt and our water problems would be solved , and on the other hand there is the energy shortage and its consequences. Oops, I think I just missed out a zillion other possibilities. Lets take a look at a few of them..

1. Terrorism : The act of employing guns and bombs and retarded brain cells to kill innocent civilians to gain nothing but outrage from the affected people for a few weeks and the next point ..

2. War on Terror : The act of employing High Quality guns and bombs that fall from the sky and superiorly retarded first world brain cells to kill a large number of people, of whom a few might be terrorists.

3. Economic Meltdown :
You : What , how is that going to end the world ?
Me : (Puts up retarded flowchart)

Click to see the bigger picture

4. Horsemen : ( Yes, read 4 Horsemen) – The New Testament predicts that 4 scary looking people on horses will go around the world ( in their frikking horses) and spread War, Famine, Pestilence and Death, not necessarily in that order, eventhough the order doesn’t really matter. This will be followed by tornadoes and earthquakes and frikkin scorpions which will sting the crap outta the whole non – christian population. Like we don’t have enough problems already.

5. The Aztec Prophecy : The world has already ended four to five times, by methods ranging from flood to armies of hungry jaguars. Our world will apparently get the terrifying Tzitzimime, depicted as either skeletons with rattlesnake penises, or a race of bony, female spider monsters from the stars.
Ok, lets breathe here for a minute. Not one person in the whole Aztec empire could predict that their civilisation would end thanks to some normal creatures? Like the Spanish for example? On similar lines, I’d say an Alien Invasion would do it for us.

6. Ragnarök : Wolves eat the sun, Norse Trickster God Loki escapes from ropes made of his son’ intestines and hijacks a ship made of dead mens’ toenails, and Jörmungandr, the World Serpent, rises from the oceans and spews poison across the lands and skies, the gods stab, poison, burn and eat each other until Earth sinks into the ocean.Phew.
Only two humans, Lif and Lifthrasir, are scheduled to survive Ragnarök by hiding in the Yggdrasil, the world tree. I’m definitely changing my name. ( In addition, Lif Krishnan sounds cool).

7. Robots could take over the world. The rate at which we’re progressing on that front, I don’t think it would happen before any of the others.

8. There is the new, upgraded LHC

9. According to the Mayan calender, the end of time should be December 21, 2012.( Either that or they did not know to count past that number, or thought there was no point in doing so.) My personal opinion is that time cannot stop. Secondly, they are way off the mark with the prediction if it is about themselves.

10. Bollywood could go global. More suicides as a result of movie watching ( read : genocide).

11. If Sarah Palin becomes POTUS.

12. If the Chinese take this population explosion thing a little more seriously and introduce the “We two (/three) ours none” policy.

13. If any of the games “Rise of Nations“, “Red Alert” and the likes are synced to the real world environment. ( And Missile Shield is not researched ! )

14. If viruses dangerous to the human body could be programmed into computers.

15. If Chuck Norris decides so.

16. If Scientific research proved that usage of Cell Phones could kill. Not to mention cheating on partners, being fake, working out math in the loo, bunking class, writing CAT, staring at people of the opposite sex, writing CAT, watching Sachin Tendulkar bat, writing CAT, thinking the government sucks, watching Miss World, watching the Miss World, being bored, killing insects, being a bad boy, smoking etc. ( Orr has the last one been proven already ?)

17. Increase in the number of such second rate blog posts.

< Watch this Space: >


15 09 2008

Warning:This post is just to update my blog. For the junta ( million+) who have subscribed to my blog, it would be a let down to repeatedly log on to their reader/feeds and wait and crave for my next post. Hence, here it is !. For the others who came here by mistake, I suggest you Click Here , yes, I am programmor am programmar write code,and yes, English is one of the few syntaxes I don’t know. ( Or was it Language?).

The other day when Nicole Vaidisova was on TV ( I obviously do not remember the event, because I had very little time to notice that), I was wondering what she would look like in a sari(,in general and madisar in specific.)As the thought built up , I wondered what her name would be and thus was born this “Yet another crappy” blogpost.

Likely Tambrahm Names of Highly Untambrahm humans.

Nicole Vaidisova : Nirmala Vaidyanathan. (The Vaidyanathan was a duh ! )
Venus Williams : Veena Vinayakam
Serena Williams : Shanti Vinayakam
Martina Navratilova : Mala the Navarathri Lover.
Burt Reynolds : Bharath Ranganathan
Bart Simpson : Bharath. S ( Simple.)
W.P.U.J.C.Vaas : Ranjiv Ravi Raghavan RajaGopalan Rajam Iyengar
Andy Roddick : R.Anand
Richard Krajicek : R. Karthik
Stanley Kubrick : S.Karthik
Mikhail Kalashnikov : M. Karthik
Ray Romano : Raja Ramana
Harry Houdini : Hariharan

Please come up with more, put it up in the comments ( plan ! 😉 ) .
Here’s leaving you with a quote from my favourite Radio Ad
“Suppose yuwar rich father in laa kaals you Eediat. Yu waant to kill him na? No. Forgive him. Vai he is kaaling names? Becos you could nat give yuwar wife haeppiness. Make situation baetar by buying apaartment aet *** *** *** , Yelahanka, the fastest growing part of the city today becos of new Aerpoart. Today If you buy apaartment for 3500 par square foot, tomaaro it will touch the sky, so BUY”

PS: Thank you CIC rep vivek for wearing that red programmer tee.


5 07 2008

If you’re looking for a movie review for Traffic, then “Wrong Number”… and I think you should check out : This !
Thanks a lot for visiting my page. Keep coming back, I might have more such intentionally misleading stuff.

But, if you’re slightly demented and would rather a few crappy blog posts then stick on and scroll down.

Ok…All reals ! .. .. traffic is a concept. Its something that people come across at sometime or the other in their lives. Every constituent of today’s junta would have suffered this harrowing ordeal.
Now how does one react in a tense slow moving traffic situation: One in which if even one more vehicle is added to the equation, the whole system collapses.

On the one hand there are those craven owners of lilliputan rickety vehicles that they have bought from their whole life’s savings.

On the other are those chauffeurs of august looking luxury sedans who have no clue of what might be their fate if their employer finds that scratch near the tail lights of thickness 2.3 nanometers. Theyd be thanking god that most of these owners are old and cannot tell an M80 from a Ducati using all that equipment (after crazy loads of depreciation) in their head.

On the third hand( oops…ok.. leg then),the Heavy Vehicle Man. By that I mean buses and trucks and lorries and even those hugeee things that have stuff like “MAERSK” written on them. These guys just don’t give a “rat’s ass”( read -four letter word beginnin with an F and not fool or fart or feud or fill or free or …) .

Among all of these heavy weights are the Bikers…( Do not immediately picture a Harley Davidson ridden by a 250lb man wearing a 300lb leather jacket. Come back to earth- Yeh India hai Bhaaiyee !!(said with profound thambi accent(And THAT is nested paranthesisation for you))). Wait..I need to figure out what I was writing before those brackets. Aaah…so these bikers… riding anything from black 220cc pulsars to pink scooties would meander through the traffic, again regardless of what they might hit on the way and whose rear view mirror they may take along.

This is quite a scene. Add to this the fact that 20% of these people are one their cellphones (Some people at least have the “Gidney” to use hands free).
And to top it all off, this high entropy scenario gets some further jolts from some jackass jaywalkers.(juss missed alliteration)

What is most surprising is that almost everytime every single one of these people come out unscathed and totally normal as if nothing even happened … As if its not even worth a blog topic. And they’re right, Ive been there millions of times and I am sane(my opinion)… and life goes on as ever.

K…lunch time…:)
But here’s a thought (for the day, if ud like..if it reminds you of good ol days in school)..
“If u are who u are and i am who i am because u are who u are and i am who i am then u are who u are and i am who i am but,
if u are who u are because i am who i am and i am who i am because u are who u are then u are not who u are and i am not who i am”
– Thanks to the evam play “Art”… Awesome play. You must really watch it if given the opportunity. (@Mr.Evam : you can pay me later)
And Yess , I am taking up Philosophy in a big way, and probably sainthood too.. it seems like an easier way to make money.
In a few weeks my blog will be shifted to http://www.theincrediblyawesomeguywhobecameasage.blogspot.com

Light from this side of the tunnel

15 06 2008

In another 40 hours or so one Video Cam will go where nothing has gone before,…My Nose, Of course barring the occasional fly and that pen cap when I was 4…. Euww? I know, even I sympathise with the cam. But you must understand that these cams are also inserted into some unspeakable (unsmellable rather) holes. I just wish that that particular instrument hasn’t been anywhere else on its journey called life for I might be woken up midway through the procedure from general anasthesia.The past few days I’ve been walkin around with my hands together.. as an attempt to keep all fingers crossed (Figured its not possible with my toes..i tried !).

Its supposedly a procedure called FESS. They will have a look at the insides of my head with a cam attached to one end of a rod shived up my nostril and then remove matter from the 8 cavities in the skull called sinuses. I’m just praying they do not remove the little matter that there is from the other “almost” cavity-there’s another blog post stored there.