Muqablech 3 – The Return of the Jodi

22 11 2008

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech and Muqblech – Part Deux , and I hate you.

N-2 . INDI re situations when couples want to have soda POP
The genre of LOUW , the genre of repetition, the genre of romance: The Duet.This genre has come a long long way from the ages when the lady of the screen would hide behind the door shyly and make masterpieces on the floor with her toes through an age when every country in the world including some undiscovered ones provided backdrops to these songs, not to mention their faithful law abiding citizens as background dancers / incrediblyembarrassingbootyshakedoers and now, to an age in which movies like Murder and Julie make the man of the movie hide owing to Shame shame all around…-that reminds me of a verse in a poem that went –
Shame Shame , everywhere,
And all the clothes did shrink,
Shame Shame, everywhere,
From Obamaland to Chink .
– The Rime of the ownage Legendariner
In other words these songs ,nowadays, are positioned just before or after they du it .Heh.

There are a few parameters that are used as guidelines for judging such songs when we grade them from 0-1.5 (I know that you presumptuous asses would say that you could divide 1.5 into 10 divisions and consider it as a rating out of 10. But you understand what I mean- i’m doing a Nigel – refer : This is Lumbar Puncture. )

1. Differential of No. of Dress changes with respect to time
Remember the good old days when the couple would remain in the same set of clothing through the entire 8 minute song ? No? .. Duh No. There was no such song, at least not after Eastman came into the picture, and before that one couldn’t really say for sure that the clothes had not changed considering it could have been any colour that produced the same shade of gray on well, the grayscale.
The dude who made the first colour production was amazed by what colour could do to a movie and said ” hey, I bought my wifey 5 new sets of clothes , now how do I fit that into a 5 minute song.”. And that my friends became a fad. As India’s economy improved, so did its standard of living and , as a consequence ,the number of new clothes Mr.Director bought for his (and other )wives and all this lead to another proprtional increase in the clothes changed per unit song (dCC/dT). In this crazy competition, the directors started taking this a little too personally and the textile industry began to bloom.

Amidst this rat race to achieve dress change targets one cunning tech savvy director invented a technique by which clothes can be changed at unprecedented speeds. He invented the ! SuperChromoAlternator ! Ever seen a song that uses the SCA ?? Ms. Lady’s clothes change colour while the clothes are still on her – Hurrah !! This invention gave rise to another jump in the graph (Figure 1.1.1 ) and the dCC/dT values increased disproportionately.
Eventually Director wives started receiving much fewer gifts and the textile stocks began to fall but that topic is beyond the scope of this blog owing to the intelligence levels that it demands. As bollywood years passed, one thing became clear – a greater dCC/dT value will remain elusive. In this long line of innovations, the most obvious thing to do next was to reduce the amount of clothing itself. As(s) a result, the dCC/dT values have drastically reduced lately( because they found it diffcult to change clothes when there are no clothes to start off with) and that innovation has produced yet another kink(y) in the graph. Heh.

Fig 1.1.1 : Dress Changes per Unit time against Bollywood Timeline ( Click to see the bigger picture 🙂
2. Weighted Aggregate of No. of Embarrasing Moves (‘Steps’ for those who can’t move). The weight being well, their weight.
Imagine taking your girlfriend/wife to an exotic country, then to an isolated hill in that exotic country. To narrow down the search criteria, add the constraint that the hill be covered with lush green grass. Once you are in this situation… utopian , exotic and probably everything you’ve wanted… you start performing pelvic thrusts and sommersaults – and your wife still loves you, why , even she does her own jig and then both of you engage in a series of synchronised ass shaking.(Note: the previous 2 lines may be construed in many ways – one of them is definitely not what I intended). All right so you are true lovers( read : maniacs) , so chuck it. No big deal. Now Imagine you performing all these acts without a partner.. just for your lady. Nobody else is watching you, and you put up this mini show just for her. To top it all off, she still likes you enough to not break up at the end of it. Who wouldn’t wanna be in Bollywood.

In case you have been through all of the above: Hi, Pleased to meet you – I’m a great actor myself , I do not mind doing even Brother roles and Son roles, I can even stoop to as low as The guy who loses his girl to you. My phone number is in my profile 🙂 . And if you are not a Bollywood Actor, you’re weird dude , get a life.

3. Log of the utterance count of The Words “Dil” ,”Pyar” (and hence “Inkaar” and “Ikraar”), “Ishq”, “Mohabbat” and “Deewana” to the base 2.
In 1933 by the Music of Lovers , Elephants and Saints (MOLEST) Act , it was added to the non-existant Indian Constitution that every duet must have these words in any order , but must contain all the above words. And by the 1977 Ammendment for Non-Sense Usage in Songs (ANUS), every duet must include these words and must also have a very obvious rhyme scheme in such a way that the net meaning of the song must be nothing more than “I love you”.
If someone were to ask me why Log to the base 2, I would say something about how the rhyme schemes would make the words appear in powers of 2 as the Indians use either the 2 or 4 lines per verse songwriting. (But what I’d actually be saying is that I just wanted to make this calculation thingy look more mathematical.)
There you go, 0.5 for each category. Now go kick some Song critic’s ass. I mean seriously.

Muqablech : Part Deux

12 10 2008

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech, and, I hate you.

N-1 . INDIwell, very much“, ” among the amit_123s and kids of ages 15-16 extremelyPOP

Yes, we are talking about India’s answer to 50 CentInde Cent. Item numbers in the rest of this post will refer to this genre, as opposed to what the counter boy enters into his device to obtain the price of an item.

This genre is not new. Meaning it is old. Meaning, ye ol parents and uncles and irritating aunts shant criticize my generation.(This is where Sachin puts his arm around me and says ” Our generation “, but I cut him short and say ” You wish!”).

Mr. HighlyCriticalAndAtTheSameTimeIncrediblyPissingOffUncle ( HCAATSTIPOU for short ):”Why do you say that it is not new?? Me thought Shilpa Shetty was the first one to be called an Item girl after that song from Shool? The kids these days, pah pah pah ! Abhishtu.“.

Mr. HighlyIntellectualChickMagnet ( Mudd for short) : ” I appreciate the general knowledge sir (restecp ! ). But just try and remember the days of your youth (yes, difficult,i agree), the movies that came out , remember ” Caravan ” or “Sholay” or “Namak Halal”? Helen, Parveen Babi??

HCAATSTIPOU : ” Yes, vaguely.” ( read: Duh dude, but I just don’t want to accept it because I know where you’re getting at and my argument would be compromised if I did)

Mudd: ” yes, you called them Cabaret performances and ‘fast forward songs‘ (a song which when appears from tape provokes an urge to press the >> button when family is around), but in essence there were skimpily clad women shaking booty (which is an approximate version of Wikipedia’s definiton of Item Number). AND YOU WATCHED IT – REPEATEDLY

Yes, it is old. But the term has now come to mean a larger range of songs : “The term ‘item number‘ has now been relaxed to include almost all upbeat dance numbers involving either a woman in skimpy clothing, or a “guest appearance” from a star who is only in the movie for the length of that song” (a wikiquote)
Even mainstream actresses and actors ( blech ! ) do Item Numbers. Or should I say the ladies who have done item numbers have gone on to become mainstream actresses. Eitherways, the genre has come and will stay on until Bollywood has some laws against bad music and limited clothing, which by recent trend, I do not see happening.
Just to make this post more appealing ( read: To appear on google’s search results for hot Raakhi Sawant Pics ( usually 0 results) or I like booty) , here are the leading ladies of this genre, I mean the videos. ( I do not know who sings for them, and frankly, few care)

Not too sure about the last guy, but I have definitely seen him in many such songs.

Note: The neck downs of these images are intended only for mature audiences. Knowing my readers inside out, I cropped them.

P.S : Not all item numbers are bad songs.

Superhit Muqablech

27 09 2008

To all the folks who haven’t met me , I have a confession to make : My control over the hindi language is limited to the phrases “Arrey bhaaiyee“,”Mera naam Joker“, “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai“,”Kyunki saans mein kabhi badbhu thi” and ” Please don’t be santusht“, of course ,apart from the Queen’s Hindi words that are oft heard in college : “M&^%&^C&^%& , B%&^%&C^&%&^ , G&, L& (Note: the previous 2 words are to be pronounced the way they are written) , B^S^&^&KE ” etc. And for those who do know me, the above fact would’ve become glaringly evident in the first few nanoseconds of our acquaintance.
So , In case your name appears here in bad light, do not panic… here goes:
Any character spoken about in this post might be fictional. (You can thank me later)

Countdown Begins. Here is a non exhaustive list of possible genres that Hindi music can be classified into.
(I lack organisational skills, I have not figured out how many categories will appear in this Countdown , so I will count down from N to 1 🙂

The name says it all. Or should I say it used to. This genre of music refers to the kinds that were played when MTV and Channel V first learnt to play Hindi music ,in the mid 90s. Owing to the limited Inventory and Low differential of No. of Songs with respect to time , the same song would be repeated a minimum of 3 times a day ( For all those who came to this site searching for “Himmesh pics” or “Bappi Da Great“, the last line implies a minimum of 4 telecasts a day .. thats 1 + 3 repeats. OK? ).
The list of artists usually included in this genre are :

Falguni Pathak ( One takes a long time to figure out if it is a male or a female. Great female voice , but who knows , may be he’s just faking it. So lets just call it it. )

Hans Raj Hans( Greatly influenced by the Punjabi translations of works by a certain Hans Christian Andersen . He has also made Solo performances in a few Star Wars movies 🙂 🙂 🙂

Adnan Sami (A piano Prodigy. And a shining example to disprove the old adage “Play Piano, lose Weight“. And Btw ,Riddle time : If Adnan Sami was a South Indian middle aged woman, what would his name be???
Ans. Adnan Maami :):)

Many one hit wonders such as Agosh, Aryans, Anaida, Anamika, Mika, etc. (No, not all of them kissed Raakhi Sawant….as far as we know it ie.)

But the killer of them all, the man who could probably be called the father of Indi-pop , ( with a song called “Thanda Thanda Paani” that was dangerously similar to “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice, which in turn is a direct flick from “Under Pressure” by Queen),the king of originals ,Baba Sehgal.

B.S (for short 🙂 is the quintessential Indian rapist wrapper rapper. He has won the hearts of many a Baba Sehgal fan.
But there has been a lot of speculation about his name. Why Baba Sehgal.? The speculation stems from the fact that he does not resemble most of the Baba’s known to man. For instance, as is evident from the pictures, he does not resemble Baba Amte or Homi Bhabha or Ali Baba or the Baba mudra or even Baba black sheep.

Note : After years of scientific studyon this chosen nomenclature, it was arrived at that his physiognomically closest relatives are Sathya Sai Baba and the Seagull.

To be continued

This is Lumbar Puncture

27 08 2008

I have just wasted another 2 hours of my life.(And am prepared to waste more by writing about it. )

“This is Spinal Tap” is a Rockumental Mockumentary . The movie begins when a guy – moustache growing, slow speaking, boring environment developing and Michael Moore looking – introduces the “rockumentary” and we (obviously) tend to accept him as a harmless documentarian.
The story is a touching tale of how 2 poor friends fight against all odds to become the most successful rock band in history ( NOT! ) . It is in fact actually about how a band’s music gets from bad to worse to worsest(ershire). It chronicles the life of a typical heavy metal band through its many stages – lost popularity , piss off manager, girlfriend politics ( aka figura paatha odana frienda cut pannardu , translated : figure sighting => friend ejection.),groupies, lack of grey cells, further damage of grey cells thanks to drugs, even further damage of grey cells owing to bad music, mysterious deaths ( choking on vomit becoming the order of the day for musicians), miserable punch lines, failed stage antics , jam packed audiences (lol), long antique hair, twisted lyrics, lack of general knowledge and even star status in Japan ( Rajini ishtyle! )etc.

All that apart, the fine line of mockery that runs through the theme of the flick is not lost on the audience. Though subtle, at many points it has quite an impact. If the same film was made as a 90s sitcom, it would’ve had a perpetual laughing machine playing in the background, but the ambience and the literal seriousness portrayed after every funny scene makes you think twice about laughing.
Some parts of the movie that I found interesting :

Nigel (lead Guitarist) shows off his new amps to the mockumentarian ( no pun intended) : ” This one is special because , as you can see, the numbers all go till 11…….means it is 1 louder than the others .”
Mock(kai)mentarian : ” But one can just make the 10 louder” ( and hence make the maximum sound equal the one this can produce)
Nigel: “but this one goes to 11 !” ( Refer Video : Heights of stupidity, the BBC iPlayer has a volume slider that goes from 0 to 11 – True story)
Spinal Tap 11
Also, the fundae about how the succession of drummers have died under odd circumstances : one in a “bizarre gardening accident”; another “choked on vomit,” (although it was never determined whose vomit it was, as “you can’t really dust for vomit”), and a third from apparent spontaneous human combustion onstage, leaving only a small green “globule” on his drum throne (yet another drummeralso spontaneously combusted during the course of the fakumentary).

The movie also has a number of subtle references to the rock and roll scene at the time. Nigel and David , to me, make a duo much like Page and Plant in terms of looks and band member portfolio{ I am wrong according to Wiki !! ( but I can become right ! Alo would know best about this :)} . Yet, David is very much like Plant : his look, his accent, his behaviour etc.
Another allusion can be seen in the song “Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap , very evidently a take off on “Fat bottom girls” by Queen.

My opinion is that Almost Famous is miles better than ” This is Spinal Tap” . But considering the fact that the feel of a documentary was to be given, this was a great effort ( aka well tried) .

Moorumentarian : ” So there actually was a saint by the name of David Hubbins? “
David : ” Yeah. The patron saint of quality footwear .”