Eppocalypse and Eppadicalypse

14 12 2008

A guide to when and how you (as a collective) will cease to exist

Ever since the beginning of human time, man (and woman, if you are a feminist) has proposed infinite theories on how the earth began and how life began (Primarily because they wanted to know how they landed here in the first place) . Every culture, every religion came out with their understanding of what could have happened (read: ridiculous theories with the sole aim to glorify their respective faiths and bash those of the others). Once they were out with this stuff, they were in a fix – They were incredibly bored , and they couldn’t come up with competing theories because they would get frikking killed for heresy. All this boredom had one outcome, and frankly it only needed an Einstein to come up with the next course of action.

Apocalypse by itself means “lifting of the veil“, ie something you would do to your to be spouse if you were a male christian or a female Tuareg. Yes ,… you would be apocalypsing. Not like the world would come to an end if you did it .. right? ( May be just yours would ! :-). This veil – wedding funda is the probable reason behind the usage of the word Apocalypse to mean “End of the World” or “Doomsday”. Heh.

The different problems that the earth is facing today makes one (read: ME) wonder how this world would come to an end. On the one hand there is Global Warming, where Ice caps would melt and our water problems would be solved , and on the other hand there is the energy shortage and its consequences. Oops, I think I just missed out a zillion other possibilities. Lets take a look at a few of them..

1. Terrorism : The act of employing guns and bombs and retarded brain cells to kill innocent civilians to gain nothing but outrage from the affected people for a few weeks and the next point ..

2. War on Terror : The act of employing High Quality guns and bombs that fall from the sky and superiorly retarded first world brain cells to kill a large number of people, of whom a few might be terrorists.

3. Economic Meltdown :
You : What , how is that going to end the world ?
Me : (Puts up retarded flowchart)

Click to see the bigger picture

4. Horsemen : ( Yes, read 4 Horsemen) – The New Testament predicts that 4 scary looking people on horses will go around the world ( in their frikking horses) and spread War, Famine, Pestilence and Death, not necessarily in that order, eventhough the order doesn’t really matter. This will be followed by tornadoes and earthquakes and frikkin scorpions which will sting the crap outta the whole non – christian population. Like we don’t have enough problems already.

5. The Aztec Prophecy : The world has already ended four to five times, by methods ranging from flood to armies of hungry jaguars. Our world will apparently get the terrifying Tzitzimime, depicted as either skeletons with rattlesnake penises, or a race of bony, female spider monsters from the stars.
Ok, lets breathe here for a minute. Not one person in the whole Aztec empire could predict that their civilisation would end thanks to some normal creatures? Like the Spanish for example? On similar lines, I’d say an Alien Invasion would do it for us.

6. Ragnarök : Wolves eat the sun, Norse Trickster God Loki escapes from ropes made of his son’ intestines and hijacks a ship made of dead mens’ toenails, and Jörmungandr, the World Serpent, rises from the oceans and spews poison across the lands and skies, the gods stab, poison, burn and eat each other until Earth sinks into the ocean.Phew.
Only two humans, Lif and Lifthrasir, are scheduled to survive Ragnarök by hiding in the Yggdrasil, the world tree. I’m definitely changing my name. ( In addition, Lif Krishnan sounds cool).

7. Robots could take over the world. The rate at which we’re progressing on that front, I don’t think it would happen before any of the others.

8. There is the new, upgraded LHC

9. According to the Mayan calender, the end of time should be December 21, 2012.( Either that or they did not know to count past that number, or thought there was no point in doing so.) My personal opinion is that time cannot stop. Secondly, they are way off the mark with the prediction if it is about themselves.

10. Bollywood could go global. More suicides as a result of movie watching ( read : genocide).

11. If Sarah Palin becomes POTUS.

12. If the Chinese take this population explosion thing a little more seriously and introduce the “We two (/three) ours none” policy.

13. If any of the games “Rise of Nations“, “Red Alert” and the likes are synced to the real world environment. ( And Missile Shield is not researched ! )

14. If viruses dangerous to the human body could be programmed into computers.

15. If Chuck Norris decides so.

16. If Scientific research proved that usage of Cell Phones could kill. Not to mention cheating on partners, being fake, working out math in the loo, bunking class, writing CAT, staring at people of the opposite sex, writing CAT, watching Sachin Tendulkar bat, writing CAT, thinking the government sucks, watching Miss World, watching the Miss World, being bored, killing insects, being a bad boy, smoking etc. ( Orr has the last one been proven already ?)

17. Increase in the number of such second rate blog posts.

< Watch this Space: >

Consequences of ‘anal’ysis

18 10 2008

I realised this sometime when I was in school :

Loo winds and Anal kaathu (Tamil for Hot Wind) mean the same thing , in more than one way. Brilliant !


15 09 2008

Warning:This post is just to update my blog. For the junta ( million+) who have subscribed to my blog, it would be a let down to repeatedly log on to their reader/feeds and wait and crave for my next post. Hence, here it is !. For the others who came here by mistake, I suggest you Click Here , yes, I am programmor am programmar write code,and yes, English is one of the few syntaxes I don’t know. ( Or was it Language?).

The other day when Nicole Vaidisova was on TV ( I obviously do not remember the event, because I had very little time to notice that), I was wondering what she would look like in a sari(,in general and madisar in specific.)As the thought built up , I wondered what her name would be and thus was born this “Yet another crappy” blogpost.

Likely Tambrahm Names of Highly Untambrahm humans.

Nicole Vaidisova : Nirmala Vaidyanathan. (The Vaidyanathan was a duh ! )
Venus Williams : Veena Vinayakam
Serena Williams : Shanti Vinayakam
Martina Navratilova : Mala the Navarathri Lover.
Burt Reynolds : Bharath Ranganathan
Bart Simpson : Bharath. S ( Simple.)
W.P.U.J.C.Vaas : Ranjiv Ravi Raghavan RajaGopalan Rajam Iyengar
Andy Roddick : R.Anand
Richard Krajicek : R. Karthik
Stanley Kubrick : S.Karthik
Mikhail Kalashnikov : M. Karthik
Ray Romano : Raja Ramana
Harry Houdini : Hariharan

Please come up with more, put it up in the comments ( plan ! 😉 ) .
Here’s leaving you with a quote from my favourite Radio Ad
“Suppose yuwar rich father in laa kaals you Eediat. Yu waant to kill him na? No. Forgive him. Vai he is kaaling names? Becos you could nat give yuwar wife haeppiness. Make situation baetar by buying apaartment aet *** *** *** , Yelahanka, the fastest growing part of the city today becos of new Aerpoart. Today If you buy apaartment for 3500 par square foot, tomaaro it will touch the sky, so BUY”

PS: Thank you CIC rep vivek for wearing that red programmer tee.

Kuruvi – Wat a ripp !

18 05 2008

Anyone seen Blood Diamond..that 2006 Ed Zwick movie starring Di Caprio. Now consider an Indian version centred around one of the most happening locations in Andhra Pradesh called Cudappah .. . … And nobody, i mean absolutely nobody had realised that “Kimberley Quality” diamonds are found there before these wise men did. Add to this Desi Khoon Heera / Raththa Vairam a dash of Casino Royale… the last bond flick…Oh my god what a ripp! .. The elevator scene…. we can play ’em side by side and try noticing 6 differences. All that apart, I must say Trisha is some brilliant Eye Candy with her new tattoo and lower necklines to well … apart from the usual purpose ,to in fact make the tattoo visible.
The tamil movie watcher would say that the Violence is disturbing and the killings are too brutal etc etc… and i would say ” Hell Yeah!” . ..but we must come into grips with the fact that its a rip of Blood Diamond…have you even seen that movie ??? there is very little diamond in Blood Diamond..if I may put it that way.
But, with all that killing and all those weird weapons used one would think they should have named it ( from Trisha’s perspective): ” How i married an axe murderer:2″…(or did she..i don really remember!)