Anhoni ko Dhoni (ke Fans) Kar De

25 12 2008

Remember the age old Shakespearean question on the topic of which division you should choose in your second grade? I’ve found the answer – ‘To be Dhoni‘ is the answer. A group of die hard Dhoni fanatics (For over 20 years) , have come up with a plan ( and an elevation and other figures) to build a Place of worship for da man. One doubt :
Haven’t they taken this ‘Cricket is a religion in India‘ thing a little too literally?

Aside : Why Dhoni ? What sort of a name is that? Here are my suggested etymologies :

1. His ancestors are from Kerala and one of their names was Anthony. But with all that mallu accent around, to his dismay, and to the rest of the world’s frustration , everyone called him Undhoni, which people mistook as a conjunction followed by Dhoni , and the name has stuck.

2. Microsoft employees performed time travel into the year 1981 to release a product called MS Dhoni.

3. His real name was Mahendra. There was a famous Bihari song in the 90s that went “Dhoni Dhoni Dhoni”. He walked into karaoke pub one night and the junta urged him to sing the song. So they said “Mahendra Sing Dhoni“, and since everyone was saying that, some retarded people in the crowd started thinking that it was his name.

4. His Great grand Chitappa owned a laundry shop in Chennai. And well, the Tamil makkal did not know Hindi too well so they’d say ” Dho Nee“.

5. Dhoni or Doni is a multi-purpose sail boat with a motor or lateen sails that is used in the Maldives. It is handcrafted and its use within the multi-island nation has been very important. A dhoni resembles a dhow, a traditional Arab sailing vessel. Actually that sucks for an etymo. Please Scrap 5.

End of Aside , All reals.

All that aside (Heh 🙂 , what becomes of him if this were to happen. He would be the Youngest Hindu God. ( Hindu because very few other faiths have multiple gods, and the others which do wont tolerate him. Even Cricket is too busy praying to the Sachin God. Youngest because he is 27 and , well, he is closely followed by Lord Muruga in second spot at a billion and a half.)
According to the papers they will build a 5 ft tall Idol of him. Oh wait , or is it 20 ft. I think they will settle on 12.5. And what will the bhajans be like?? 20-20 Bhajans?? Well, here’s an example :

BCCI had no selection Stratechee
So they looked at the others and said Chee Chee

That is why they gave him the captainchee

And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy.

It is also in his general knowlechee
That the WWf panda’s Name is chi-Chi

He is India’s very own Annaachee

And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy.

Instead of Saying Hi , Kem Chee
Or Saying Bingo chips is Crunchee
Sorry this song is Pulichi Pochee
And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy

All said and done, Dhoni is a pretty decent captain, and a major patriot. One can see his commitment to the country ( And the Men in Blue campaign) in this picture where he is seen drinking blue water. Dhoni was not available for comment owing to a bitter copyright battle with Bill Gates.( Or because he hasn’t visited my house in the last hour, as you like it ( Damn the Shakespeare in me !)).

In other related news, the star of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi ( a critically acclaimed movie that released hardly a week back), Anushka Sharma, has said that she will only choose the best films. No… Seriously… Go check your newspaper.

This is Lumbar Puncture

27 08 2008

I have just wasted another 2 hours of my life.(And am prepared to waste more by writing about it. )

“This is Spinal Tap” is a Rockumental Mockumentary . The movie begins when a guy – moustache growing, slow speaking, boring environment developing and Michael Moore looking – introduces the “rockumentary” and we (obviously) tend to accept him as a harmless documentarian.
The story is a touching tale of how 2 poor friends fight against all odds to become the most successful rock band in history ( NOT! ) . It is in fact actually about how a band’s music gets from bad to worse to worsest(ershire). It chronicles the life of a typical heavy metal band through its many stages – lost popularity , piss off manager, girlfriend politics ( aka figura paatha odana frienda cut pannardu , translated : figure sighting => friend ejection.),groupies, lack of grey cells, further damage of grey cells thanks to drugs, even further damage of grey cells owing to bad music, mysterious deaths ( choking on vomit becoming the order of the day for musicians), miserable punch lines, failed stage antics , jam packed audiences (lol), long antique hair, twisted lyrics, lack of general knowledge and even star status in Japan ( Rajini ishtyle! )etc.

All that apart, the fine line of mockery that runs through the theme of the flick is not lost on the audience. Though subtle, at many points it has quite an impact. If the same film was made as a 90s sitcom, it would’ve had a perpetual laughing machine playing in the background, but the ambience and the literal seriousness portrayed after every funny scene makes you think twice about laughing.
Some parts of the movie that I found interesting :

Nigel (lead Guitarist) shows off his new amps to the mockumentarian ( no pun intended) : ” This one is special because , as you can see, the numbers all go till 11…….means it is 1 louder than the others .”
Mock(kai)mentarian : ” But one can just make the 10 louder” ( and hence make the maximum sound equal the one this can produce)
Nigel: “but this one goes to 11 !” ( Refer Video : Heights of stupidity, the BBC iPlayer has a volume slider that goes from 0 to 11 – True story)
Spinal Tap 11
Also, the fundae about how the succession of drummers have died under odd circumstances : one in a “bizarre gardening accident”; another “choked on vomit,” (although it was never determined whose vomit it was, as “you can’t really dust for vomit”), and a third from apparent spontaneous human combustion onstage, leaving only a small green “globule” on his drum throne (yet another drummeralso spontaneously combusted during the course of the fakumentary).

The movie also has a number of subtle references to the rock and roll scene at the time. Nigel and David , to me, make a duo much like Page and Plant in terms of looks and band member portfolio{ I am wrong according to Wiki !! ( but I can become right ! Alo would know best about this :)} . Yet, David is very much like Plant : his look, his accent, his behaviour etc.
Another allusion can be seen in the song “Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap , very evidently a take off on “Fat bottom girls” by Queen.

My opinion is that Almost Famous is miles better than ” This is Spinal Tap” . But considering the fact that the feel of a documentary was to be given, this was a great effort ( aka well tried) .

Moorumentarian : ” So there actually was a saint by the name of David Hubbins? “
David : ” Yeah. The patron saint of quality footwear .”

That Noosepaper Item

10 08 2008

A few days ago I read an article in the TOI Bangalore edition that talks about 3 fat ladies. Considering that it was TOI, one would have expected a gossip column about Khushboo or how Bipasha Basu complains about her weight. But , to my surprise and (lack of) delight it was about the date 08-08-08.

The quoting starteth : ” Such dates occur rarely, mostly once in a millennium “…”There may not be any religious or astrological connotations to Friday’s palindrome date. But then, this is something that will not come until the next millennium”
I have a few questions : Do we reach the next millennium in another hundred years? Or does mi-len-nium mean one-hun-dred in latin??

Purpose behind the Inquisition : Many of us might not live long enough to see the 8th of August 2108 owing to increasing terrorist activity, increasing murders of daughters and servants, skyrocketing stats of death owing to alcohol overdose and well, increasing age and the consequent complications.
But, tell me if I’m wrong (click on the 0 comments link a few centimeters below.. please.. and I’d be happy if you cant find it 🙂 , when you write this date in the dd-mm-yy format ( or the 3!-1 other formats considering the 2 ds and the 2 ms and the 2 ys prefer to stay together), doesn’t the date resemble a 08-08-08 ?. Again, when the date does arrive, will we be in the next millennium ?

Waitees, the blog post ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings.
So thats that about 08-08-2108. Oops, what about 2208, and 2308 and 2n08 (n E Z , n>3, n <10 ) ??

On the contrary I can think of one point of view that not only makes Mr.Author human ( from amoeba thalamoid ,atom cerebroid gorrilanus) but a genius , is that the very idea of fixing when a millennium starts or ends has no sanctity attached to it.Who knows when the world began? Was it 4.5 Billion years ago? So that would imply it began during the year (4.5bn-2008) B.C ?
All right, so you say its the Birth of Christ that defines the zero on our scale? May be Mr. Author uses a different scale, may be he is not Christian or perhaps he’s not a fan of Pope Gregory. To beat it all ( read : kill it all/ own it all) he could be a Brahmin Iyer ( read : Palakkad Brahmin Iyer) , which implies there is no way he cannot be a genius. So, he probably has his own calendar, his own milestones, his own measurements. In the authorian calendar, the millennium may start on the 9th of August every thousand years or may be each gregorian year equals a hundred authorian years.

Ok gtg, the song “Kungumappotin Mangalam” is on air. So blog post is over ! ( why?)

I are actually Baffoon

10 06 2008

The long awaited prequel to the second sequel is here. But we might just decide to scrap the prequel to the third sequel which itself might be scrapped. On that note you might want to visit ( Kutty pay my part of the rent for the first month 🙂

Now, the Kais… let us call them Calls from now on just to avoid copyright violation of greek alphabet for …well.. some ..many physical and mathematical quantities. I was majorly enthu about these calls and since S.P.A.C.E was not quite active in the place where i was.. well lets call it..say…IIT Madras. So I had to go in for another program to work on my GDPI skills. The company calls itself … say.. “Algorithm to calculate the route from one place to another”. As it turns out it wasn’t really a company, was just a single person ( As the Great Sultan put it “Singam Singleaa thaan varum”). This person..lets call him TR.. lived and took classes in a shady locale near IITM called G.H.E.L ( short for Go To Hell). And to actually give you an idea of what the place was like : The fungii on the tables in that classroom contradicted the Laws of Microbe Multiplication (If there’s something like that) because they had absolutely no place left to grow on.

But what the hell , we have mushroom soup for dinner. So my company and I took up these classes. We had one or two GDs every class and it always astonished me how people with whom Id been studying with (in IITM remember) had gathered so much information just for the sake of argument during GDs. Quoting one of them ” India has a GDP growth rate of 9.2 percent and an Inflation rate of 7.32% and a population growth rate of 1.606% and a fart rate of one in every pi/3.3* 10^-14 seconds” ( I had to google those to check up). The point is .. the topic had nothing to do with all this. Yet it made good talk and good presence.

All that apart, some GDs went well some went bad and by the end of it all I was excited about the Calls. Also, S.P.A.C.E had an all expenses paid 2 day workshop which I attended with a certain friend of mine… lets call him Deepak Venkatramani. I remember at one of those lectures, this prof from S.P.A.C.E says ” There was a guy last year, got all 6 X Calls, but could convert only one of them. He was really arrogant and God punished him [ :)] ” and my obvious reaction was thank god.. no offence Mr.Unknown… but it obviously felt like it must be really hard to screw it up.
This is the point where i realise that this blog entry is getting excruciatingly long. So, I attended the Interviews…6 of them. Each in Bangalore. Was a real headache to go from Trichy to that place …4 times !
And well, those faces that I saw across the interview tables came back to haunt me at many nightmares…some still do. There wer a few errors here and there, for example at X A , I had written my father’s annual income as 20000 instead of 2000000. But apart from that nothing went glaringly wrong either in the forms or at the interviews.

On the day the results came out, my dad was watching the TV, the daily astrologer show…and he supposedly said ” Vetri maela Vetri Varum”( Literally translated as : “Victory over Victory coming!”. And so it happened,
First Javagal Srinath came, Outswinger, Off stump out of the ground.

Then I thought Ill play second gadjee , Sourav Ganguly got my leg stump.

But I still stuck on…refused to give my bat away (It was the only bat and everyone started pulling for it). Then came the big blow. I was thinking Munaf Patel would bowl but Parthiv Patel took the ball and bam I missed the ball and it rolled slowly and got my middle stump. There were no bails left to fall of so I was given out .

I ran across to the other side because I noticed that the 3 wickets there were still standing.

Everyone wanted to bowl at me. But I said “One at a time please”
R.P.Singh snatched the ball off Praveen Kumars hand and bowled a yorker to get my leg stick followed by Sreesanth who got my middle.

There’s no current cricketer from MP that I know. So , lets just assume that I got hit wicket.

That meant all 6 down. Meanwhile, some Butt Naggers and Idly Rasams were scoring centuries at other grounds.

The point is (If you haven’t got it yet) I did not convert any of my Calls. The Worst part comes later , when everybody…people whom you’ve hardly even spoken to start giving advice. Things like “You’re voice is not loud enough” orr ” You probably would have put mokkai over there” orr ” You aren’t confident enough” orr ” You shouldve worn the right underwear”. It was irritating as hell.
One wonders: if it hadn’t happened, would it mean that my voice was loud, or that I don’t put mokkai? .. doubt it.

As the ancient Japanese Proverb goes
” Cho Cheeta Vohi Sikkandar
Cho Haara to us ke ***** ke andar” ( where ***** rhymes with land, or a mal pronounciation of aunt )

Good news is that its past me. Better news is that I can blog on something interesting now that the sequel is done. Phew !