Tambrahmology

15 09 2008

Warning:This post is just to update my blog. For the junta ( million+) who have subscribed to my blog, it would be a let down to repeatedly log on to their reader/feeds and wait and crave for my next post. Hence, here it is !. For the others who came here by mistake, I suggest you Click Here , yes, I am programmor am programmar write code,and yes, English is one of the few syntaxes I don’t know. ( Or was it Language?).

The other day when Nicole Vaidisova was on TV ( I obviously do not remember the event, because I had very little time to notice that), I was wondering what she would look like in a sari(,in general and madisar in specific.)As the thought built up , I wondered what her name would be and thus was born this “Yet another crappy” blogpost.

Likely Tambrahm Names of Highly Untambrahm humans.

Nicole Vaidisova : Nirmala Vaidyanathan. (The Vaidyanathan was a duh ! )
Venus Williams : Veena Vinayakam
Serena Williams : Shanti Vinayakam
Martina Navratilova : Mala the Navarathri Lover.
Burt Reynolds : Bharath Ranganathan
Bart Simpson : Bharath. S ( Simple.)
W.P.U.J.C.Vaas : Ranjiv Ravi Raghavan RajaGopalan Rajam Iyengar
Andy Roddick : R.Anand
Richard Krajicek : R. Karthik
Stanley Kubrick : S.Karthik
Mikhail Kalashnikov : M. Karthik
Ray Romano : Raja Ramana
Harry Houdini : Hariharan

Please come up with more, put it up in the comments ( plan ! 😉 ) .
Here’s leaving you with a quote from my favourite Radio Ad
“Suppose yuwar rich father in laa kaals you Eediat. Yu waant to kill him na? No. Forgive him. Vai he is kaaling names? Becos you could nat give yuwar wife haeppiness. Make situation baetar by buying apaartment aet *** *** *** , Yelahanka, the fastest growing part of the city today becos of new Aerpoart. Today If you buy apaartment for 3500 par square foot, tomaaro it will touch the sky, so BUY”

PS: Thank you CIC rep vivek for wearing that red programmer tee.





This is Lumbar Puncture

27 08 2008


I have just wasted another 2 hours of my life.(And am prepared to waste more by writing about it. )

“This is Spinal Tap” is a Rockumental Mockumentary . The movie begins when a guy – moustache growing, slow speaking, boring environment developing and Michael Moore looking – introduces the “rockumentary” and we (obviously) tend to accept him as a harmless documentarian.
The story is a touching tale of how 2 poor friends fight against all odds to become the most successful rock band in history ( NOT! ) . It is in fact actually about how a band’s music gets from bad to worse to worsest(ershire). It chronicles the life of a typical heavy metal band through its many stages – lost popularity , piss off manager, girlfriend politics ( aka figura paatha odana frienda cut pannardu , translated : figure sighting => friend ejection.),groupies, lack of grey cells, further damage of grey cells thanks to drugs, even further damage of grey cells owing to bad music, mysterious deaths ( choking on vomit becoming the order of the day for musicians), miserable punch lines, failed stage antics , jam packed audiences (lol), long antique hair, twisted lyrics, lack of general knowledge and even star status in Japan ( Rajini ishtyle! )etc.

All that apart, the fine line of mockery that runs through the theme of the flick is not lost on the audience. Though subtle, at many points it has quite an impact. If the same film was made as a 90s sitcom, it would’ve had a perpetual laughing machine playing in the background, but the ambience and the literal seriousness portrayed after every funny scene makes you think twice about laughing.
Some parts of the movie that I found interesting :

Nigel (lead Guitarist) shows off his new amps to the mockumentarian ( no pun intended) : ” This one is special because , as you can see, the numbers all go till 11…….means it is 1 louder than the others .”
Mock(kai)mentarian : ” But one can just make the 10 louder” ( and hence make the maximum sound equal the one this can produce)
Nigel: “but this one goes to 11 !” ( Refer Video : Heights of stupidity, the BBC iPlayer has a volume slider that goes from 0 to 11 – True story)
Spinal Tap 11
Also, the fundae about how the succession of drummers have died under odd circumstances : one in a “bizarre gardening accident”; another “choked on vomit,” (although it was never determined whose vomit it was, as “you can’t really dust for vomit”), and a third from apparent spontaneous human combustion onstage, leaving only a small green “globule” on his drum throne (yet another drummeralso spontaneously combusted during the course of the fakumentary).

The movie also has a number of subtle references to the rock and roll scene at the time. Nigel and David , to me, make a duo much like Page and Plant in terms of looks and band member portfolio{ I am wrong according to Wiki !! ( but I can become right ! Alo would know best about this :)} . Yet, David is very much like Plant : his look, his accent, his behaviour etc.
Another allusion can be seen in the song “Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap , very evidently a take off on “Fat bottom girls” by Queen.

My opinion is that Almost Famous is miles better than ” This is Spinal Tap” . But considering the fact that the feel of a documentary was to be given, this was a great effort ( aka well tried) .

Moorumentarian : ” So there actually was a saint by the name of David Hubbins? “
David : ” Yeah. The patron saint of quality footwear .”





That Noosepaper Item

10 08 2008


A few days ago I read an article in the TOI Bangalore edition that talks about 3 fat ladies. Considering that it was TOI, one would have expected a gossip column about Khushboo or how Bipasha Basu complains about her weight. But , to my surprise and (lack of) delight it was about the date 08-08-08.

The quoting starteth : ” Such dates occur rarely, mostly once in a millennium “…”There may not be any religious or astrological connotations to Friday’s palindrome date. But then, this is something that will not come until the next millennium”
I have a few questions : Do we reach the next millennium in another hundred years? Or does mi-len-nium mean one-hun-dred in latin??

Purpose behind the Inquisition : Many of us might not live long enough to see the 8th of August 2108 owing to increasing terrorist activity, increasing murders of daughters and servants, skyrocketing stats of death owing to alcohol overdose and well, increasing age and the consequent complications.
But, tell me if I’m wrong (click on the 0 comments link a few centimeters below.. please.. and I’d be happy if you cant find it 🙂 , when you write this date in the dd-mm-yy format ( or the 3!-1 other formats considering the 2 ds and the 2 ms and the 2 ys prefer to stay together), doesn’t the date resemble a 08-08-08 ?. Again, when the date does arrive, will we be in the next millennium ?

Waitees, the blog post ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings.
So thats that about 08-08-2108. Oops, what about 2208, and 2308 and 2n08 (n E Z , n>3, n <10 ) ??

On the contrary I can think of one point of view that not only makes Mr.Author human ( from amoeba thalamoid ,atom cerebroid gorrilanus) but a genius , is that the very idea of fixing when a millennium starts or ends has no sanctity attached to it.Who knows when the world began? Was it 4.5 Billion years ago? So that would imply it began during the year (4.5bn-2008) B.C ?
All right, so you say its the Birth of Christ that defines the zero on our scale? May be Mr. Author uses a different scale, may be he is not Christian or perhaps he’s not a fan of Pope Gregory. To beat it all ( read : kill it all/ own it all) he could be a Brahmin Iyer ( read : Palakkad Brahmin Iyer) , which implies there is no way he cannot be a genius. So, he probably has his own calendar, his own milestones, his own measurements. In the authorian calendar, the millennium may start on the 9th of August every thousand years or may be each gregorian year equals a hundred authorian years.

Ok gtg, the song “Kungumappotin Mangalam” is on air. So blog post is over ! ( why?)





Traffic

5 07 2008

If you’re looking for a movie review for Traffic, then “Wrong Number”… and I think you should check out : This !
Thanks a lot for visiting my page. Keep coming back, I might have more such intentionally misleading stuff.

But, if you’re slightly demented and would rather a few crappy blog posts then stick on and scroll down.

Ok…All reals ! .. .. traffic is a concept. Its something that people come across at sometime or the other in their lives. Every constituent of today’s junta would have suffered this harrowing ordeal.
Now how does one react in a tense slow moving traffic situation: One in which if even one more vehicle is added to the equation, the whole system collapses.

On the one hand there are those craven owners of lilliputan rickety vehicles that they have bought from their whole life’s savings.

On the other are those chauffeurs of august looking luxury sedans who have no clue of what might be their fate if their employer finds that scratch near the tail lights of thickness 2.3 nanometers. Theyd be thanking god that most of these owners are old and cannot tell an M80 from a Ducati using all that equipment (after crazy loads of depreciation) in their head.

On the third hand( oops…ok.. leg then),the Heavy Vehicle Man. By that I mean buses and trucks and lorries and even those hugeee things that have stuff like “MAERSK” written on them. These guys just don’t give a “rat’s ass”( read -four letter word beginnin with an F and not fool or fart or feud or fill or free or …) .

Among all of these heavy weights are the Bikers…( Do not immediately picture a Harley Davidson ridden by a 250lb man wearing a 300lb leather jacket. Come back to earth- Yeh India hai Bhaaiyee !!(said with profound thambi accent(And THAT is nested paranthesisation for you))). Wait..I need to figure out what I was writing before those brackets. Aaah…so these bikers… riding anything from black 220cc pulsars to pink scooties would meander through the traffic, again regardless of what they might hit on the way and whose rear view mirror they may take along.

This is quite a scene. Add to this the fact that 20% of these people are one their cellphones (Some people at least have the “Gidney” to use hands free).
And to top it all off, this high entropy scenario gets some further jolts from some jackass jaywalkers.(juss missed alliteration)

What is most surprising is that almost everytime every single one of these people come out unscathed and totally normal as if nothing even happened … As if its not even worth a blog topic. And they’re right, Ive been there millions of times and I am sane(my opinion)… and life goes on as ever.

K…lunch time…:)
But here’s a thought (for the day, if ud like..if it reminds you of good ol days in school)..
“If u are who u are and i am who i am because u are who u are and i am who i am then u are who u are and i am who i am but,
if u are who u are because i am who i am and i am who i am because u are who u are then u are not who u are and i am not who i am”
– Thanks to the evam play “Art”… Awesome play. You must really watch it if given the opportunity. (@Mr.Evam : you can pay me later)
And Yess , I am taking up Philosophy in a big way, and probably sainthood too.. it seems like an easier way to make money.
In a few weeks my blog will be shifted to http://www.theincrediblyawesomeguywhobecameasage.blogspot.com





Light from this side of the tunnel

15 06 2008


In another 40 hours or so one Video Cam will go where nothing has gone before,…My Nose, Of course barring the occasional fly and that pen cap when I was 4…. Euww? I know, even I sympathise with the cam. But you must understand that these cams are also inserted into some unspeakable (unsmellable rather) holes. I just wish that that particular instrument hasn’t been anywhere else on its journey called life for I might be woken up midway through the procedure from general anasthesia.The past few days I’ve been walkin around with my hands together.. as an attempt to keep all fingers crossed (Figured its not possible with my toes..i tried !).

Its supposedly a procedure called FESS. They will have a look at the insides of my head with a cam attached to one end of a rod shived up my nostril and then remove matter from the 8 cavities in the skull called sinuses. I’m just praying they do not remove the little matter that there is from the other “almost” cavity-there’s another blog post stored there.





I are actually Baffoon

10 06 2008


The long awaited prequel to the second sequel is here. But we might just decide to scrap the prequel to the third sequel which itself might be scrapped. On that note you might want to visit http://itsscrapped.blogspot.com ( Kutty pay my part of the rent for the first month 🙂

Now, the Kais… let us call them Calls from now on just to avoid copyright violation of greek alphabet for …well.. some ..many physical and mathematical quantities. I was majorly enthu about these calls and since S.P.A.C.E was not quite active in the place where i was.. well lets call it..say…IIT Madras. So I had to go in for another program to work on my GDPI skills. The company calls itself … say.. “Algorithm to calculate the route from one place to another”. As it turns out it wasn’t really a company, was just a single person ( As the Great Sultan put it “Singam Singleaa thaan varum”). This person..lets call him TR.. lived and took classes in a shady locale near IITM called G.H.E.L ( short for Go To Hell). And to actually give you an idea of what the place was like : The fungii on the tables in that classroom contradicted the Laws of Microbe Multiplication (If there’s something like that) because they had absolutely no place left to grow on.

But what the hell , we have mushroom soup for dinner. So my company and I took up these classes. We had one or two GDs every class and it always astonished me how people with whom Id been studying with (in IITM remember) had gathered so much information just for the sake of argument during GDs. Quoting one of them ” India has a GDP growth rate of 9.2 percent and an Inflation rate of 7.32% and a population growth rate of 1.606% and a fart rate of one in every pi/3.3* 10^-14 seconds” ( I had to google those to check up). The point is .. the topic had nothing to do with all this. Yet it made good talk and good presence.

All that apart, some GDs went well some went bad and by the end of it all I was excited about the Calls. Also, S.P.A.C.E had an all expenses paid 2 day workshop which I attended with a certain friend of mine… lets call him Deepak Venkatramani. I remember at one of those lectures, this prof from S.P.A.C.E says ” There was a guy last year, got all 6 X Calls, but could convert only one of them. He was really arrogant and God punished him [ :)] ” and my obvious reaction was thank god.. no offence Mr.Unknown… but it obviously felt like it must be really hard to screw it up.
This is the point where i realise that this blog entry is getting excruciatingly long. So, I attended the Interviews…6 of them. Each in Bangalore. Was a real headache to go from Trichy to that place …4 times !
And well, those faces that I saw across the interview tables came back to haunt me at many nightmares…some still do. There wer a few errors here and there, for example at X A , I had written my father’s annual income as 20000 instead of 2000000. But apart from that nothing went glaringly wrong either in the forms or at the interviews.

On the day the results came out, my dad was watching the TV, the daily astrologer show…and he supposedly said ” Vetri maela Vetri Varum”( Literally translated as : “Victory over Victory coming!”. And so it happened,
First Javagal Srinath came, Outswinger, Off stump out of the ground.

Then I thought Ill play second gadjee , Sourav Ganguly got my leg stump.

But I still stuck on…refused to give my bat away (It was the only bat and everyone started pulling for it). Then came the big blow. I was thinking Munaf Patel would bowl but Parthiv Patel took the ball and bam I missed the ball and it rolled slowly and got my middle stump. There were no bails left to fall of so I was given out .

I ran across to the other side because I noticed that the 3 wickets there were still standing.

Everyone wanted to bowl at me. But I said “One at a time please”
R.P.Singh snatched the ball off Praveen Kumars hand and bowled a yorker to get my leg stick followed by Sreesanth who got my middle.

There’s no current cricketer from MP that I know. So , lets just assume that I got hit wicket.

That meant all 6 down. Meanwhile, some Butt Naggers and Idly Rasams were scoring centuries at other grounds.

The point is (If you haven’t got it yet) I did not convert any of my Calls. The Worst part comes later , when everybody…people whom you’ve hardly even spoken to start giving advice. Things like “You’re voice is not loud enough” orr ” You probably would have put mokkai over there” orr ” You aren’t confident enough” orr ” You shouldve worn the right underwear”. It was irritating as hell.
One wonders: if it hadn’t happened, would it mean that my voice was loud, or that I don’t put mokkai? .. doubt it.

As the ancient Japanese Proverb goes
” Cho Cheeta Vohi Sikkandar
Cho Haara to us ke ***** ke andar” ( where ***** rhymes with land, or a mal pronounciation of aunt )

Good news is that its past me. Better news is that I can blog on something interesting now that the sequel is done. Phew !





I im Weasel

26 05 2008


I have a story to tell … but i’m gonna write it.

In every man’s life there comes a time when he feels on top of the world ( i don mean Hillary-Norgay types), when everyone else’s achievements are made to look insignificant, when a Led Zeppelin is made to look like a Green Day, when nothing can possibly go wrong in his life for the next few months.

A few months back, something very different happened to me.

There are these 6 institutes in our country called …well lets just call them X for now. The Xs are supposedly the best set of institutes in India when it comes to ..lets say Y education. ( No this is not a Saarang quiz question). Now, to select people for this program, they conduct a common admission test called…say … *pussy*.
*pussy* is supposed to be very difficult to clear and well many people have tried and failed.. you know…just like the rubik’s cube…or bennyboy in stick cricket…or beating me one on one at DotA. And as a result, there are around *Avogadro’s number goes here* institutes and individuals that offer training to crack the *pussy* and get into an X. ( there are other institutions that offer the vice versa but we’ll save that topic for later.)
Even i joined the bandwagon ( where bandwagon= S.P.A.C.E) thanks to some pichai scholarship test. Quoting S.P.A.C.E : ” 5150% of the X students are from S.P.A.C.E.“.

We had classes on campus every week…supposedly. I don’t even know which day of the week. But i took up their “Increase your probability of hitting the” *pussy* set of 20 tests quite sincerely.

After each test , my equally hard working friends and I would discuss the paper and then take an oath ( every time) to work our asses off for the *pussy*.. ( sounds weird when put like that )

Anyways, as you would expect, we did not and as you would not expect, I was actually lucky enough to get *pussy* .. err i mean crack it. ( These are times when you realise you must have used another variable , but you don’t really have the patience to read through your own boring blog and change every occurrence of it)

This meant that I would receive 6 Kais( Tamil for hands..say) from the Xs. But what it would also mean is that …quote me on this one … !*pussy* is not everything !…these Xs have interviews 😦 . . . ( Sad music please !!)

Thats where this part of my 2 part blog will end…

P.S. : I was also given nicknames like X Legend ( A rip off from a very current Will Smith movie at that time ) and … almost everyone i knew said ” All 6 X Kais n all …stud !” etc… At a friend’s brothers wedding .. the friend introduced us to his whole family…like this : ” This is blablah, this is his twin brother Blublah, this is Potato (edited owing to racism allegations 🙂 , this is Manish and he got all 6 X Kais”. … In case you are still wondering this story does have a sad ending…

As the great Lord Tennyson put it ” Ava Myna da , Ava Myna da
Ava Naina ta maatina kaima da !”