Anhoni ko Dhoni (ke Fans) Kar De

25 12 2008

Remember the age old Shakespearean question on the topic of which division you should choose in your second grade? I’ve found the answer – ‘To be Dhoni‘ is the answer. A group of die hard Dhoni fanatics (For over 20 years) , have come up with a plan ( and an elevation and other figures) to build a Place of worship for da man. One doubt :
Haven’t they taken this ‘Cricket is a religion in India‘ thing a little too literally?

Aside : Why Dhoni ? What sort of a name is that? Here are my suggested etymologies :

1. His ancestors are from Kerala and one of their names was Anthony. But with all that mallu accent around, to his dismay, and to the rest of the world’s frustration , everyone called him Undhoni, which people mistook as a conjunction followed by Dhoni , and the name has stuck.

2. Microsoft employees performed time travel into the year 1981 to release a product called MS Dhoni.

3. His real name was Mahendra. There was a famous Bihari song in the 90s that went “Dhoni Dhoni Dhoni”. He walked into karaoke pub one night and the junta urged him to sing the song. So they said “Mahendra Sing Dhoni“, and since everyone was saying that, some retarded people in the crowd started thinking that it was his name.

4. His Great grand Chitappa owned a laundry shop in Chennai. And well, the Tamil makkal did not know Hindi too well so they’d say ” Dho Nee“.

5. Dhoni or Doni is a multi-purpose sail boat with a motor or lateen sails that is used in the Maldives. It is handcrafted and its use within the multi-island nation has been very important. A dhoni resembles a dhow, a traditional Arab sailing vessel. Actually that sucks for an etymo. Please Scrap 5.

End of Aside , All reals.

All that aside (Heh 🙂 , what becomes of him if this were to happen. He would be the Youngest Hindu God. ( Hindu because very few other faiths have multiple gods, and the others which do wont tolerate him. Even Cricket is too busy praying to the Sachin God. Youngest because he is 27 and , well, he is closely followed by Lord Muruga in second spot at a billion and a half.)
According to the papers they will build a 5 ft tall Idol of him. Oh wait , or is it 20 ft. I think they will settle on 12.5. And what will the bhajans be like?? 20-20 Bhajans?? Well, here’s an example :

BCCI had no selection Stratechee
So they looked at the others and said Chee Chee

That is why they gave him the captainchee

And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy.

It is also in his general knowlechee
That the WWf panda’s Name is chi-Chi

He is India’s very own Annaachee

And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy.

Instead of Saying Hi , Kem Chee
Or Saying Bingo chips is Crunchee
Sorry this song is Pulichi Pochee
And he comes from a place that’s so Raunchy

All said and done, Dhoni is a pretty decent captain, and a major patriot. One can see his commitment to the country ( And the Men in Blue campaign) in this picture where he is seen drinking blue water. Dhoni was not available for comment owing to a bitter copyright battle with Bill Gates.( Or because he hasn’t visited my house in the last hour, as you like it ( Damn the Shakespeare in me !)).

In other related news, the star of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi ( a critically acclaimed movie that released hardly a week back), Anushka Sharma, has said that she will only choose the best films. No… Seriously… Go check your newspaper.





Muqablech 3 – The Return of the Jodi

22 11 2008

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech and Muqblech – Part Deux , and I hate you.

N-2 . INDI re situations when couples want to have soda POP
The genre of LOUW , the genre of repetition, the genre of romance: The Duet.This genre has come a long long way from the ages when the lady of the screen would hide behind the door shyly and make masterpieces on the floor with her toes through an age when every country in the world including some undiscovered ones provided backdrops to these songs, not to mention their faithful law abiding citizens as background dancers / incrediblyembarrassingbootyshakedoers and now, to an age in which movies like Murder and Julie make the man of the movie hide owing to Shame shame all around…-that reminds me of a verse in a poem that went –
Shame Shame , everywhere,
And all the clothes did shrink,
Shame Shame, everywhere,
From Obamaland to Chink .
– The Rime of the ownage Legendariner
In other words these songs ,nowadays, are positioned just before or after they du it .Heh.

There are a few parameters that are used as guidelines for judging such songs when we grade them from 0-1.5 (I know that you presumptuous asses would say that you could divide 1.5 into 10 divisions and consider it as a rating out of 10. But you understand what I mean- i’m doing a Nigel – refer : This is Lumbar Puncture. )

1. Differential of No. of Dress changes with respect to time
Remember the good old days when the couple would remain in the same set of clothing through the entire 8 minute song ? No? .. Duh No. There was no such song, at least not after Eastman came into the picture, and before that one couldn’t really say for sure that the clothes had not changed considering it could have been any colour that produced the same shade of gray on well, the grayscale.
The dude who made the first colour production was amazed by what colour could do to a movie and said ” hey, I bought my wifey 5 new sets of clothes , now how do I fit that into a 5 minute song.”. And that my friends became a fad. As India’s economy improved, so did its standard of living and , as a consequence ,the number of new clothes Mr.Director bought for his (and other )wives and all this lead to another proprtional increase in the clothes changed per unit song (dCC/dT). In this crazy competition, the directors started taking this a little too personally and the textile industry began to bloom.

Amidst this rat race to achieve dress change targets one cunning tech savvy director invented a technique by which clothes can be changed at unprecedented speeds. He invented the ! SuperChromoAlternator ! Ever seen a song that uses the SCA ?? Ms. Lady’s clothes change colour while the clothes are still on her – Hurrah !! This invention gave rise to another jump in the graph (Figure 1.1.1 ) and the dCC/dT values increased disproportionately.
Eventually Director wives started receiving much fewer gifts and the textile stocks began to fall but that topic is beyond the scope of this blog owing to the intelligence levels that it demands. As bollywood years passed, one thing became clear – a greater dCC/dT value will remain elusive. In this long line of innovations, the most obvious thing to do next was to reduce the amount of clothing itself. As(s) a result, the dCC/dT values have drastically reduced lately( because they found it diffcult to change clothes when there are no clothes to start off with) and that innovation has produced yet another kink(y) in the graph. Heh.

Fig 1.1.1 : Dress Changes per Unit time against Bollywood Timeline ( Click to see the bigger picture 🙂
2. Weighted Aggregate of No. of Embarrasing Moves (‘Steps’ for those who can’t move). The weight being well, their weight.
Imagine taking your girlfriend/wife to an exotic country, then to an isolated hill in that exotic country. To narrow down the search criteria, add the constraint that the hill be covered with lush green grass. Once you are in this situation… utopian , exotic and probably everything you’ve wanted… you start performing pelvic thrusts and sommersaults – and your wife still loves you, why , even she does her own jig and then both of you engage in a series of synchronised ass shaking.(Note: the previous 2 lines may be construed in many ways – one of them is definitely not what I intended). All right so you are true lovers( read : maniacs) , so chuck it. No big deal. Now Imagine you performing all these acts without a partner.. just for your lady. Nobody else is watching you, and you put up this mini show just for her. To top it all off, she still likes you enough to not break up at the end of it. Who wouldn’t wanna be in Bollywood.

In case you have been through all of the above: Hi, Pleased to meet you – I’m a great actor myself , I do not mind doing even Brother roles and Son roles, I can even stoop to as low as The guy who loses his girl to you. My phone number is in my profile 🙂 . And if you are not a Bollywood Actor, you’re weird dude , get a life.

3. Log of the utterance count of The Words “Dil” ,”Pyar” (and hence “Inkaar” and “Ikraar”), “Ishq”, “Mohabbat” and “Deewana” to the base 2.
In 1933 by the Music of Lovers , Elephants and Saints (MOLEST) Act , it was added to the non-existant Indian Constitution that every duet must have these words in any order , but must contain all the above words. And by the 1977 Ammendment for Non-Sense Usage in Songs (ANUS), every duet must include these words and must also have a very obvious rhyme scheme in such a way that the net meaning of the song must be nothing more than “I love you”.
If someone were to ask me why Log to the base 2, I would say something about how the rhyme schemes would make the words appear in powers of 2 as the Indians use either the 2 or 4 lines per verse songwriting. (But what I’d actually be saying is that I just wanted to make this calculation thingy look more mathematical.)
There you go, 0.5 for each category. Now go kick some Song critic’s ass. I mean seriously.




Consequences of ‘anal’ysis

18 10 2008

I realised this sometime when I was in school :

Loo winds and Anal kaathu (Tamil for Hot Wind) mean the same thing , in more than one way. Brilliant !





Muqablech : Part Deux

12 10 2008

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech, and, I hate you.

N-1 . INDIwell, very much“, ” among the amit_123s and kids of ages 15-16 extremelyPOP

Yes, we are talking about India’s answer to 50 CentInde Cent. Item numbers in the rest of this post will refer to this genre, as opposed to what the counter boy enters into his device to obtain the price of an item.

This genre is not new. Meaning it is old. Meaning, ye ol parents and uncles and irritating aunts shant criticize my generation.(This is where Sachin puts his arm around me and says ” Our generation “, but I cut him short and say ” You wish!”).

Mr. HighlyCriticalAndAtTheSameTimeIncrediblyPissingOffUncle ( HCAATSTIPOU for short ):”Why do you say that it is not new?? Me thought Shilpa Shetty was the first one to be called an Item girl after that song from Shool? The kids these days, pah pah pah ! Abhishtu.“.

Mr. HighlyIntellectualChickMagnet ( Mudd for short) : ” I appreciate the general knowledge sir (restecp ! ). But just try and remember the days of your youth (yes, difficult,i agree), the movies that came out , remember ” Caravan ” or “Sholay” or “Namak Halal”? Helen, Parveen Babi??

HCAATSTIPOU : ” Yes, vaguely.” ( read: Duh dude, but I just don’t want to accept it because I know where you’re getting at and my argument would be compromised if I did)

Mudd: ” yes, you called them Cabaret performances and ‘fast forward songs‘ (a song which when appears from tape provokes an urge to press the >> button when family is around), but in essence there were skimpily clad women shaking booty (which is an approximate version of Wikipedia’s definiton of Item Number). AND YOU WATCHED IT – REPEATEDLY

Yes, it is old. But the term has now come to mean a larger range of songs : “The term ‘item number‘ has now been relaxed to include almost all upbeat dance numbers involving either a woman in skimpy clothing, or a “guest appearance” from a star who is only in the movie for the length of that song” (a wikiquote)
Even mainstream actresses and actors ( blech ! ) do Item Numbers. Or should I say the ladies who have done item numbers have gone on to become mainstream actresses. Eitherways, the genre has come and will stay on until Bollywood has some laws against bad music and limited clothing, which by recent trend, I do not see happening.
Just to make this post more appealing ( read: To appear on google’s search results for hot Raakhi Sawant Pics ( usually 0 results) or I like booty) , here are the leading ladies of this genre, I mean the videos. ( I do not know who sings for them, and frankly, few care)



Not too sure about the last guy, but I have definitely seen him in many such songs.

Note: The neck downs of these images are intended only for mature audiences. Knowing my readers inside out, I cropped them.

P.S : Not all item numbers are bad songs.





Superhit Muqablech

27 09 2008

To all the folks who haven’t met me , I have a confession to make : My control over the hindi language is limited to the phrases “Arrey bhaaiyee“,”Mera naam Joker“, “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai“,”Kyunki saans mein kabhi badbhu thi” and ” Please don’t be santusht“, of course ,apart from the Queen’s Hindi words that are oft heard in college : “M&^%&^C&^%& , B%&^%&C^&%&^ , G&, L& (Note: the previous 2 words are to be pronounced the way they are written) , B^S^&^&KE ” etc. And for those who do know me, the above fact would’ve become glaringly evident in the first few nanoseconds of our acquaintance.
So , In case your name appears here in bad light, do not panic… here goes:
Any character spoken about in this post might be fictional. (You can thank me later)

Countdown Begins. Here is a non exhaustive list of possible genres that Hindi music can be classified into.
(I lack organisational skills, I have not figured out how many categories will appear in this Countdown , so I will count down from N to 1 🙂

N. INDI POP
The name says it all. Or should I say it used to. This genre of music refers to the kinds that were played when MTV and Channel V first learnt to play Hindi music ,in the mid 90s. Owing to the limited Inventory and Low differential of No. of Songs with respect to time , the same song would be repeated a minimum of 3 times a day ( For all those who came to this site searching for “Himmesh pics” or “Bappi Da Great“, the last line implies a minimum of 4 telecasts a day .. thats 1 + 3 repeats. OK? ).
The list of artists usually included in this genre are :

Falguni Pathak ( One takes a long time to figure out if it is a male or a female. Great female voice , but who knows , may be he’s just faking it. So lets just call it it. )

Hans Raj Hans( Greatly influenced by the Punjabi translations of works by a certain Hans Christian Andersen . He has also made Solo performances in a few Star Wars movies 🙂 🙂 🙂

Adnan Sami (A piano Prodigy. And a shining example to disprove the old adage “Play Piano, lose Weight“. And Btw ,Riddle time : If Adnan Sami was a South Indian middle aged woman, what would his name be???
Ans. Adnan Maami :):)

Many one hit wonders such as Agosh, Aryans, Anaida, Anamika, Mika, etc. (No, not all of them kissed Raakhi Sawant….as far as we know it ie.)

But the killer of them all, the man who could probably be called the father of Indi-pop , ( with a song called “Thanda Thanda Paani” that was dangerously similar to “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice, which in turn is a direct flick from “Under Pressure” by Queen),the king of originals ,Baba Sehgal.

B.S (for short 🙂 is the quintessential Indian rapist wrapper rapper. He has won the hearts of many a Baba Sehgal fan.
But there has been a lot of speculation about his name. Why Baba Sehgal.? The speculation stems from the fact that he does not resemble most of the Baba’s known to man. For instance, as is evident from the pictures, he does not resemble Baba Amte or Homi Bhabha or Ali Baba or the Baba mudra or even Baba black sheep.



Note : After years of scientific studyon this chosen nomenclature, it was arrived at that his physiognomically closest relatives are Sathya Sai Baba and the Seagull.


To be continued





Tambrahmology

15 09 2008

Warning:This post is just to update my blog. For the junta ( million+) who have subscribed to my blog, it would be a let down to repeatedly log on to their reader/feeds and wait and crave for my next post. Hence, here it is !. For the others who came here by mistake, I suggest you Click Here , yes, I am programmor am programmar write code,and yes, English is one of the few syntaxes I don’t know. ( Or was it Language?).

The other day when Nicole Vaidisova was on TV ( I obviously do not remember the event, because I had very little time to notice that), I was wondering what she would look like in a sari(,in general and madisar in specific.)As the thought built up , I wondered what her name would be and thus was born this “Yet another crappy” blogpost.

Likely Tambrahm Names of Highly Untambrahm humans.

Nicole Vaidisova : Nirmala Vaidyanathan. (The Vaidyanathan was a duh ! )
Venus Williams : Veena Vinayakam
Serena Williams : Shanti Vinayakam
Martina Navratilova : Mala the Navarathri Lover.
Burt Reynolds : Bharath Ranganathan
Bart Simpson : Bharath. S ( Simple.)
W.P.U.J.C.Vaas : Ranjiv Ravi Raghavan RajaGopalan Rajam Iyengar
Andy Roddick : R.Anand
Richard Krajicek : R. Karthik
Stanley Kubrick : S.Karthik
Mikhail Kalashnikov : M. Karthik
Ray Romano : Raja Ramana
Harry Houdini : Hariharan

Please come up with more, put it up in the comments ( plan ! 😉 ) .
Here’s leaving you with a quote from my favourite Radio Ad
“Suppose yuwar rich father in laa kaals you Eediat. Yu waant to kill him na? No. Forgive him. Vai he is kaaling names? Becos you could nat give yuwar wife haeppiness. Make situation baetar by buying apaartment aet *** *** *** , Yelahanka, the fastest growing part of the city today becos of new Aerpoart. Today If you buy apaartment for 3500 par square foot, tomaaro it will touch the sky, so BUY”

PS: Thank you CIC rep vivek for wearing that red programmer tee.





That Noosepaper Item

10 08 2008


A few days ago I read an article in the TOI Bangalore edition that talks about 3 fat ladies. Considering that it was TOI, one would have expected a gossip column about Khushboo or how Bipasha Basu complains about her weight. But , to my surprise and (lack of) delight it was about the date 08-08-08.

The quoting starteth : ” Such dates occur rarely, mostly once in a millennium “…”There may not be any religious or astrological connotations to Friday’s palindrome date. But then, this is something that will not come until the next millennium”
I have a few questions : Do we reach the next millennium in another hundred years? Or does mi-len-nium mean one-hun-dred in latin??

Purpose behind the Inquisition : Many of us might not live long enough to see the 8th of August 2108 owing to increasing terrorist activity, increasing murders of daughters and servants, skyrocketing stats of death owing to alcohol overdose and well, increasing age and the consequent complications.
But, tell me if I’m wrong (click on the 0 comments link a few centimeters below.. please.. and I’d be happy if you cant find it 🙂 , when you write this date in the dd-mm-yy format ( or the 3!-1 other formats considering the 2 ds and the 2 ms and the 2 ys prefer to stay together), doesn’t the date resemble a 08-08-08 ?. Again, when the date does arrive, will we be in the next millennium ?

Waitees, the blog post ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings.
So thats that about 08-08-2108. Oops, what about 2208, and 2308 and 2n08 (n E Z , n>3, n <10 ) ??

On the contrary I can think of one point of view that not only makes Mr.Author human ( from amoeba thalamoid ,atom cerebroid gorrilanus) but a genius , is that the very idea of fixing when a millennium starts or ends has no sanctity attached to it.Who knows when the world began? Was it 4.5 Billion years ago? So that would imply it began during the year (4.5bn-2008) B.C ?
All right, so you say its the Birth of Christ that defines the zero on our scale? May be Mr. Author uses a different scale, may be he is not Christian or perhaps he’s not a fan of Pope Gregory. To beat it all ( read : kill it all/ own it all) he could be a Brahmin Iyer ( read : Palakkad Brahmin Iyer) , which implies there is no way he cannot be a genius. So, he probably has his own calendar, his own milestones, his own measurements. In the authorian calendar, the millennium may start on the 9th of August every thousand years or may be each gregorian year equals a hundred authorian years.

Ok gtg, the song “Kungumappotin Mangalam” is on air. So blog post is over ! ( why?)