Eppocalypse and Eppadicalypse

14 12 2008

A guide to when and how you (as a collective) will cease to exist

Ever since the beginning of human time, man (and woman, if you are a feminist) has proposed infinite theories on how the earth began and how life began (Primarily because they wanted to know how they landed here in the first place) . Every culture, every religion came out with their understanding of what could have happened (read: ridiculous theories with the sole aim to glorify their respective faiths and bash those of the others). Once they were out with this stuff, they were in a fix – They were incredibly bored , and they couldn’t come up with competing theories because they would get frikking killed for heresy. All this boredom had one outcome, and frankly it only needed an Einstein to come up with the next course of action.

Apocalypse by itself means “lifting of the veil“, ie something you would do to your to be spouse if you were a male christian or a female Tuareg. Yes ,… you would be apocalypsing. Not like the world would come to an end if you did it .. right? ( May be just yours would ! :-). This veil – wedding funda is the probable reason behind the usage of the word Apocalypse to mean “End of the World” or “Doomsday”. Heh.

The different problems that the earth is facing today makes one (read: ME) wonder how this world would come to an end. On the one hand there is Global Warming, where Ice caps would melt and our water problems would be solved , and on the other hand there is the energy shortage and its consequences. Oops, I think I just missed out a zillion other possibilities. Lets take a look at a few of them..

1. Terrorism : The act of employing guns and bombs and retarded brain cells to kill innocent civilians to gain nothing but outrage from the affected people for a few weeks and the next point ..

2. War on Terror : The act of employing High Quality guns and bombs that fall from the sky and superiorly retarded first world brain cells to kill a large number of people, of whom a few might be terrorists.

3. Economic Meltdown :
You : What , how is that going to end the world ?
Me : (Puts up retarded flowchart)

Click to see the bigger picture

4. Horsemen : ( Yes, read 4 Horsemen) – The New Testament predicts that 4 scary looking people on horses will go around the world ( in their frikking horses) and spread War, Famine, Pestilence and Death, not necessarily in that order, eventhough the order doesn’t really matter. This will be followed by tornadoes and earthquakes and frikkin scorpions which will sting the crap outta the whole non – christian population. Like we don’t have enough problems already.

5. The Aztec Prophecy : The world has already ended four to five times, by methods ranging from flood to armies of hungry jaguars. Our world will apparently get the terrifying Tzitzimime, depicted as either skeletons with rattlesnake penises, or a race of bony, female spider monsters from the stars.
Ok, lets breathe here for a minute. Not one person in the whole Aztec empire could predict that their civilisation would end thanks to some normal creatures? Like the Spanish for example? On similar lines, I’d say an Alien Invasion would do it for us.

6. Ragnarök : Wolves eat the sun, Norse Trickster God Loki escapes from ropes made of his son’ intestines and hijacks a ship made of dead mens’ toenails, and Jörmungandr, the World Serpent, rises from the oceans and spews poison across the lands and skies, the gods stab, poison, burn and eat each other until Earth sinks into the ocean.Phew.
Only two humans, Lif and Lifthrasir, are scheduled to survive Ragnarök by hiding in the Yggdrasil, the world tree. I’m definitely changing my name. ( In addition, Lif Krishnan sounds cool).

7. Robots could take over the world. The rate at which we’re progressing on that front, I don’t think it would happen before any of the others.

8. There is the new, upgraded LHC

9. According to the Mayan calender, the end of time should be December 21, 2012.( Either that or they did not know to count past that number, or thought there was no point in doing so.) My personal opinion is that time cannot stop. Secondly, they are way off the mark with the prediction if it is about themselves.

10. Bollywood could go global. More suicides as a result of movie watching ( read : genocide).

11. If Sarah Palin becomes POTUS.

12. If the Chinese take this population explosion thing a little more seriously and introduce the “We two (/three) ours none” policy.

13. If any of the games “Rise of Nations“, “Red Alert” and the likes are synced to the real world environment. ( And Missile Shield is not researched ! )

14. If viruses dangerous to the human body could be programmed into computers.

15. If Chuck Norris decides so.

16. If Scientific research proved that usage of Cell Phones could kill. Not to mention cheating on partners, being fake, working out math in the loo, bunking class, writing CAT, staring at people of the opposite sex, writing CAT, watching Sachin Tendulkar bat, writing CAT, thinking the government sucks, watching Miss World, watching the Miss World, being bored, killing insects, being a bad boy, smoking etc. ( Orr has the last one been proven already ?)

17. Increase in the number of such second rate blog posts.

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Muqablech 3 – The Return of the Jodi

22 11 2008

In case you are not a regular reader of this blog, this is a continuation of Superhit Muqablech and Muqblech – Part Deux , and I hate you.

N-2 . INDI re situations when couples want to have soda POP
The genre of LOUW , the genre of repetition, the genre of romance: The Duet.This genre has come a long long way from the ages when the lady of the screen would hide behind the door shyly and make masterpieces on the floor with her toes through an age when every country in the world including some undiscovered ones provided backdrops to these songs, not to mention their faithful law abiding citizens as background dancers / incrediblyembarrassingbootyshakedoers and now, to an age in which movies like Murder and Julie make the man of the movie hide owing to Shame shame all around…-that reminds me of a verse in a poem that went –
Shame Shame , everywhere,
And all the clothes did shrink,
Shame Shame, everywhere,
From Obamaland to Chink .
– The Rime of the ownage Legendariner
In other words these songs ,nowadays, are positioned just before or after they du it .Heh.

There are a few parameters that are used as guidelines for judging such songs when we grade them from 0-1.5 (I know that you presumptuous asses would say that you could divide 1.5 into 10 divisions and consider it as a rating out of 10. But you understand what I mean- i’m doing a Nigel – refer : This is Lumbar Puncture. )

1. Differential of No. of Dress changes with respect to time
Remember the good old days when the couple would remain in the same set of clothing through the entire 8 minute song ? No? .. Duh No. There was no such song, at least not after Eastman came into the picture, and before that one couldn’t really say for sure that the clothes had not changed considering it could have been any colour that produced the same shade of gray on well, the grayscale.
The dude who made the first colour production was amazed by what colour could do to a movie and said ” hey, I bought my wifey 5 new sets of clothes , now how do I fit that into a 5 minute song.”. And that my friends became a fad. As India’s economy improved, so did its standard of living and , as a consequence ,the number of new clothes Mr.Director bought for his (and other )wives and all this lead to another proprtional increase in the clothes changed per unit song (dCC/dT). In this crazy competition, the directors started taking this a little too personally and the textile industry began to bloom.

Amidst this rat race to achieve dress change targets one cunning tech savvy director invented a technique by which clothes can be changed at unprecedented speeds. He invented the ! SuperChromoAlternator ! Ever seen a song that uses the SCA ?? Ms. Lady’s clothes change colour while the clothes are still on her – Hurrah !! This invention gave rise to another jump in the graph (Figure 1.1.1 ) and the dCC/dT values increased disproportionately.
Eventually Director wives started receiving much fewer gifts and the textile stocks began to fall but that topic is beyond the scope of this blog owing to the intelligence levels that it demands. As bollywood years passed, one thing became clear – a greater dCC/dT value will remain elusive. In this long line of innovations, the most obvious thing to do next was to reduce the amount of clothing itself. As(s) a result, the dCC/dT values have drastically reduced lately( because they found it diffcult to change clothes when there are no clothes to start off with) and that innovation has produced yet another kink(y) in the graph. Heh.

Fig 1.1.1 : Dress Changes per Unit time against Bollywood Timeline ( Click to see the bigger picture 🙂
2. Weighted Aggregate of No. of Embarrasing Moves (‘Steps’ for those who can’t move). The weight being well, their weight.
Imagine taking your girlfriend/wife to an exotic country, then to an isolated hill in that exotic country. To narrow down the search criteria, add the constraint that the hill be covered with lush green grass. Once you are in this situation… utopian , exotic and probably everything you’ve wanted… you start performing pelvic thrusts and sommersaults – and your wife still loves you, why , even she does her own jig and then both of you engage in a series of synchronised ass shaking.(Note: the previous 2 lines may be construed in many ways – one of them is definitely not what I intended). All right so you are true lovers( read : maniacs) , so chuck it. No big deal. Now Imagine you performing all these acts without a partner.. just for your lady. Nobody else is watching you, and you put up this mini show just for her. To top it all off, she still likes you enough to not break up at the end of it. Who wouldn’t wanna be in Bollywood.

In case you have been through all of the above: Hi, Pleased to meet you – I’m a great actor myself , I do not mind doing even Brother roles and Son roles, I can even stoop to as low as The guy who loses his girl to you. My phone number is in my profile 🙂 . And if you are not a Bollywood Actor, you’re weird dude , get a life.

3. Log of the utterance count of The Words “Dil” ,”Pyar” (and hence “Inkaar” and “Ikraar”), “Ishq”, “Mohabbat” and “Deewana” to the base 2.
In 1933 by the Music of Lovers , Elephants and Saints (MOLEST) Act , it was added to the non-existant Indian Constitution that every duet must have these words in any order , but must contain all the above words. And by the 1977 Ammendment for Non-Sense Usage in Songs (ANUS), every duet must include these words and must also have a very obvious rhyme scheme in such a way that the net meaning of the song must be nothing more than “I love you”.
If someone were to ask me why Log to the base 2, I would say something about how the rhyme schemes would make the words appear in powers of 2 as the Indians use either the 2 or 4 lines per verse songwriting. (But what I’d actually be saying is that I just wanted to make this calculation thingy look more mathematical.)
There you go, 0.5 for each category. Now go kick some Song critic’s ass. I mean seriously.